What QMS taught me!!

(Disclaimer: The following post is a work of pure fiction (and of 14 years spent in exile and of being stuck up at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go). Any resemblance to any person living or dead (or hanging somewhere in between) is merely coincidental)

Having spent 14 years in Queen Mary’s School or QMS as it is fondly known, I noticed some totally bizarre stuff happening there and thought of putting it up here.
I hope my friends from the above-mentioned school would agree.

1) Every teacher might have a first name but it is as ‘sacred’ as a certain Mr. Himesh Reshammiya’s secret to nasal baritone.

2) Every strict teacher will be either bloated or having a bob-cut or both.
Don’t believe me? Check out Solly, Bissu, Tomchi, Kumar (feel free to add some more. I know there’s no dearth of such teachers).

3) ‘Ek baal’ and ‘Do baal’- the names supposedly given to the two lab ass’ are not actually ‘given’; their real names are "Mr. Iqbal" and "Mr. Dobal"

4) Every other girl is your sister! It doesn’t matter calling them so makes your parents also the parents of a certain 4000 girls more!

5) The washrooms are infested with poltergeists which take huge pleasure in making sure that the school loos resemble the roadside ’sulabh shauchalyas’ at any cost so that the students do not develop a false sense of cleanliness!

6) No. of tests per year is always greater than the no. of days in a year!

7) The school courtyard resembles the Kargil warfront during classes. Step into it and… “Poof”… you’re gone!

8) The creature that resembles the endangered white elephant is actually the school tailor in his trademark white pathani.

9) Our dearest principal- a certain Mrs. Kapoor, no matter how hard she tries, yet is always late for the functions as she has to beg to her maid to lend her some sarees because she herself doesn’t seem to have any!

10) And she’s in a foul mood lately as her maid has refused to lend her any more sarees unless she’s given a pay rise!

11) The huge mess of textbooks, files, test papers, assignments, projects etc. outside the staff room is not the result of the place being treated as a dumping ground the year round but a conscious effort by the dear teachers to save the school from the volcano underneath the pile, lest it erupts!

12) Authorities in the past were in awe of Jassi’s character 50 years before she even came into existence and hence the present uniform!

13) Present authorities are planning to introduce ‘bora’ (sack) as the new uniform because they feel that the present uniform gives the false of impression of the school being in a better condition than it actually is!!

14) The swimming pool is only named so. In reality, it is a top-secret, heavily-guarded training ground for kapoor’s cats which themselves are not cats but disguised Martians, on a special mission to keep an eye on kapoor lest she takes over their planet and rusticates their king too (a task that she has been practicing for quite a while now and which is enacted thrice every day with a student playing the Martian king and she herself!


ENIGMA said...

wow..........kriti dis is awesome.......i cudnt help laughin n yet acknowledin as its all true................i mean really dis is wonderful........n i'd love to read more such stuff.........

creation said...

u keep visiting.. n ill keep churning out more such stuff..


bluebutterfly said...

lol ... this ia definitely one of the funniest posts i have ever read...
the school's is over so you decided to reveal the truth huh ?
btw some points probably are common to every school like number four and number ten.
wonder is it some rule for the principals to wear the most horrible sari's ?
oh and the huge dump outside the staff room ... it hurt me to dig my precious accounts project out of that dump ... : (

and i so totally agree with point 6

btw how were the boards ... now you must be preparing for iit and stuff ... best of luck for that ...

creation said...

@blue butterfly..

shukriya.. shukriya..

yeahh .. skul's over. finally!
14 saal ka vanvaas khatm!

n as for all principals wearing the most horrible sarees.. well i kno one who wore the best of em..
wen i was in primary.. we had a prince.. mrs. jacob, she was called..
n she definitely used to wear some real classy stuff.. n then she had a bet with the students who were definitely in awe of her syle sense n evrything.. n according to that bet. she was sposd to wear a new saree evry wrking day.. n she did xactly that!!! imagine!

n yeahh.. boards over.. but m not preparing for any entrance. nope. that stuff isnt made for me.
m just waiting for the result .. then ill decide wat to do next!

do keep visiting..

Aupsy-The cOOlest One!! said...

gr8 post...thoroughly humurous!!

priyankascribe said...

haha.. that was great.. hilarious. cant control my laughter. u r right about MRs jacob. she had the best personlity and her style of dressing was impeccable. grt job

creation said...

@ ayush..

@priyanka di

kaash koi kapur mein bhi thodi si dressing sense daal de!
that woman is horrible( when it comes to dressing.. i mean.. otherwise.. hum hote hain hi kaun hain kuchh bolne wale!)!

orchid said...

haha, it wass hilarious, especially woh tailor guy...we used to call him master blaster for some long forgotten reason:P

Anonymous said...

this is one of the most hilarious stuff i've read. surely refreshed sum bittersweet memories frm school. white elephant ...that cracked me biiig time.i wonder which maid used to lend kapoor her sarees?? gr8 stuff .keep it coming!!!

prerna said...

absolutly fabulous, fantastic , mind blowing

chal honestly teri taareef karti hoon

or qms ko thoda or badnaam karne ke liye kuch or bhi likh....

Anonymous said...

oh its terrific
seriosuly dudette
its bloody true
every single word is true
this shld be thr on our school's magazine 'the queen' ...lols
everyone wil love it
nd ya some points shld be thr in school hymn too...fun ayega
hey y dnt u send this to our so called princi....

mohit said...

i have read many.. but this was something that not only forces u to read again and again but this gives u a power of imagination.. hats off for these soul stunning words..
god bless u

creation said...

hehehe.. thnkss!!

u see.. i 'love' my skul!

saumya said...

hey kriti this is something really amazing.each n every word is true yaar.thats right this is what all qms has taught us......well hats off to ur imagination of writing it.

Anonymous said...

hahaha, although i must say the pictures of your school look beautiful

creation said...

thnx for dropping by..
actually... my skul IS beautiful..it resembles hogwarts....
in evry sense...
xcept.. we dont hav a dumbledore!
rather.. we hav umbridge as the head of the skul!

Anonymous said...

hello kriti i was here and as always enjoyed every word u wrote

Priyanka Mehra said...

Hey Kriti,
Saw your post at the orkut community. Well, you have mixed the right amount of sarcasm and humour in your post. And yeah, do you mind if I save the pictures that you have added in the post?

Priyanka (2005 batch)

creation said...

heyy di!
thnx for visiting!

glad u liked the post...

as for the pictures..
they're as much urs as they are mine!
its our skul aftr all..
feel free to save them!


woah...now dat's something i would call oasis in d desert!!! having read ol sorta things bout our beloved qms..this one coes out as my fav baby...lol...honestly..really want to yhank u for dis!!!


woah..now dats sumthin i wud cal d oasis in d desert..having read ol sorta things bout our beloved QMS..dis 1 come out as d fav baby!! honestly..wanna thank u for writin dis..lol..sister!!

Anubha said...

great stuff yr specially dat kargil warfront humour.....
keep writing.....u really hav a good humour

Lima said...

Guess m the last one to go through this post..!! BT seriously i have to say u'v done a brilliant job..!! N u reminded me of school..!! :|
Cuz no matter wot.. i've spent the best 14 yrs in that institution..!! n no matter if there wr some elements.. cuz the good ones alway over-shadowed them..!!