My all

I hoarded love
It melted away
I locked it
and it broke free
I grabbed on to it,
Always do,
And ended up holding an illusion.
I died a thousand deaths.
I die everyday.
I wish you would release me
And yet, beyond you,
Nothing exists.
For you were, are and forever will be
My all!


Of hypocrisy and hamartia and oh well! I AM BACKKK!!!

My hands are itching to write, to read, re-read, type it all out, edit and then publish it on my blog. I know I’m not supposed to do that. I have closed it down, forever.


Will I? Won’t I? Will I? Won’t I? Oh my my! Talk about tough decisions. I read Rheality’s post today. She has also started and closed 6 blogs before she began with The Indecisive Cinegoer. Point being that even though I’ve closed it down, I’m DYING TO GO BACK TO IT!

Therein lays the problem. I’m programmed to not go back on my word. I quit the magazine I was working for and it was a very impulsive decision. Even though I kept contemplating (and for a good long time too!) if I should go back to it or not and even though I really wanted to, I couldn’t.  I do not go back on my word, and that, my dear, is my tragic flaw, my hamartia. I don’t know why I’m even writing this and writing it as if I was addressing someone. No one’s going to read it!

An author writes for an audience, always. Even if you write for yourself you become your own audience and if you write because you don’t have anyone to talk and never even read what you write, well then, aren’t you writing for an imaginary audience? Of late, I had been wondering who I was writing for and why.

What everyone missed out on (and naturally so, because I never mentioned anything about it) was that the friend-incident was the trigger... I had been pretty irregular with my blog for quite some time now and that's because I couldn't see the point of blogging anymore. I couldn't understand why it was important to show my work to n number of random people and trust and/or value their judgement of it. That debate had been on for quite some time. I had also thought about disabling the comments permanently, but then, if I do display my work, I would want to know people's opinion of it. Since that didn't hold any importance for me, then why display it at all!

I realised that I had been blogging for the sake of it, not because I genuinely wanted to. But it was only after I stopped, when I knew in my heart of hearts that I’ve just ended it for good, I realised the enormity of the situation. I realised how terribly I’ll miss all that excitement of putting up a new post and waiting for the first comment, of discovering a new blog and learn about what’s happening in their part of the world.

I’m aware that what I’m writing now won’t make sense to most (See! I’m still writing as if I’m going to post this on Kreation! Hmph!). Gist of the matter is- I’m pretty easily incensed and end up taking impulsive decisions which I might or might not regret. In case I do, I don’t show it and just pretend that it doesn’t make much of a difference when actually it does!


After an entire day spent thinking what to do and what not to... a Rheality check helped! I know no one’s going to kill me if I start blogging again. But I was still apprehensive about getting back to it. It doesn’t seem right when you bid farewell only to return again. But WTF! It was my decision to stop blogging and it is my decision to resume it. To hell with anyone who thinks I’m a hypocrite. I might be, no doubt, but a happy one at that!

So peoplessssss... more moronic posts on your way!


P.S.: For the first time in history (okay! Lie! It’s actually the second time. Note: Don’t ask about the first!)  Kritically yours (yours truly, me! (only for the obtuse... please ignore if you got it the first time))and Rheality check are COMING TOGETHER!!! Oh well, perhaps you don’t grasp the enormity of this colossal event. You will once you see what’s in store for you. Just wait and watch!

P.P.S.: This post was published unedited and if it doesn't make sense to you, well, bleh!

Currently playing: Pussycat Dolls- Jai Ho (It sucks!)


Bidding adieu

Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this day would come... what I did not know was that it would come like this. Bidding adieu has never been easy but I’ve done it once today and that makes this easier. In fact, I won’t be lying if I say that the first goodbye was the trigger for the second one.


I remember a late-night conversation with a dear friend who was surprised to learn about my intense attachment with my blog. I’m reproducing the conversation here-

me: lol..
you talk about this as if it were not my blog but something else....
 Distorted: I understand you're pretty attached to it.
11:23 PM
me: But of course!
 It’s the only thing that has been constantly accompanying me since the last one and half year...
11:24 PM
Distorted: A part of you, eh?
 me: much more than that!
 It’s my life...
 that sounds clichéd
 but its true

Yes, sad though it may sound, it is true. The blog, is, was, my life.

(I just saw Deepa’s comment on the last post. Yes, it feels glad to have you back Deepa, but I won’t be around anymore to share all the fun.)

Two years ago, the commencement of this blog also marked the beginning of a great friendship. Although we parted ways after a year, I still cherish every moment of it. Some things are not meant to work out and that was one of them and even though it ended, I only have fond recollections of it. I am, and will always be, grateful to J for introducing me to the almost-magical world of blogosphere.

Now that I’m on a reminiscence tour, it’s getting difficult to continue with this. However melodramatic this may sound, it actually hurts to type every single letter- a real heartache, not just a metaphorical one.

Moving on, I made more friends. As I type it out now, it sounds really ridiculous, but these ‘virtual’ friends felt more ‘real’ than the ‘real’ ones. I was, for once, overjoyed! Thinking of it, Kreation even played an enormous role in helping me find the love of my life. No, I did not ‘find’ him through my blog, but if it hadn’t been for our respective blogs, we would not have, perhaps, even talked to each other... nothing more than the customary ‘HIs’ and ‘hellos’, I’m sure. I’m still grateful to the blogosphere for all these wonderful people in my life and it was the loss of one of them that drove me to write this post and put an end to Kreation.

Stupid though it may sound, I don’t want to meet more people. I don’t want to make new ‘friends’. It hurts when they leave and no matter how much you try to move on and let go, there remains a big, gaping hole in your heart- the place they once occupied. I’m a coward, no doubt about it. I’ve lost enough people in my life, some to fate and some to utter stupidity, but no more of it. It hurts when you lose them to fate; there’s certain permanence about it. But it hurts a thousand-fold when you lose someone to human fallacies.  It hurts when they block you, mentally and/ or technically and won’t even listen what you have to say.

Even the best of friends just break-off and would not even try making it work. It difficult, no doubt, but isn’t the friendship worth it all? Like another friend said, you feel like executing them all. But then, what good does it do? Being at the receiving end not just once I know it won’t do any good. They just block you, forget it, move on. They don’t give a damn about it. Apparently, they’re so ‘embittered’ by one mistake that they are ready to put weeks, months and years of all the good times you shared together. And it just doesn’t matter.

And what do you do when faced by such a situation? Or, can you really do anything when they’re hell bent on ignoring you? Of course not! You can write, hope that they would read it but they’ve blocked you, so no point! Ultimately, what happens is that you are the one, who thinks about it, gets stressed out, even cry your heart out sometimes, but then, WHAT?

You can move on, of course, but as Aupsy said- “there's only a limit to how much one can move on... one can’t go beyond the end of the world... and if we keep moving on, wouldn’t be the ones to find ourselves in a corner?” You want to kick them, slap them, even beg them... anything to make them see sense, but you inadvertently end up with a sorry... only because you care. What other alternative do you have? Sticking to someone who doesn’t wish to be bothered by you? Imposing yourself on them? That does no good. If only there was a way of letting them know the intensity of the hurt they’ve caused you. But, there isn’t.  And what if you manage to tell them? Can you rest in peace after that? “Friends don’t come in wholesale”. :-) 

I know I’m blabbering but the point of the matter is that this is all a game of avoiding failure. I was thirsty for love; the blog showered me with it. But this love is like Leprechaun gold. It doesn’t last. And then the world burns... the heart yearns... to no avail! I've had enough of it! So, since I'm also on a trip to shut down all entrances to my heart, I decided to start with the blog. Like the old saying goes- na rahega baans, na bajegi baansuri. 

This is cowardice too, definitely, but at least the blog won’t beg me to listen to it. And if it does... I swear to God, if it does, I’ll listen!

Oh well! I want to write more and more and more, so that there IS no end but now it’s impossible to write more. A part of me is trying to stop me from doing this and a constant mental struggle is on. And before I give in to the tempting idea of deleting all this, I’m going to post it and be done with it.

Goodbye Kreation.

So, well, yeah... this is...