What QMS taught me!!

(Disclaimer: The following post is a work of pure fiction (and of 14 years spent in exile and of being stuck up at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go). Any resemblance to any person living or dead (or hanging somewhere in between) is merely coincidental)

Having spent 14 years in Queen Mary’s School or QMS as it is fondly known, I noticed some totally bizarre stuff happening there and thought of putting it up here.
I hope my friends from the above-mentioned school would agree.

1) Every teacher might have a first name but it is as ‘sacred’ as a certain Mr. Himesh Reshammiya’s secret to nasal baritone.

2) Every strict teacher will be either bloated or having a bob-cut or both.
Don’t believe me? Check out Solly, Bissu, Tomchi, Kumar (feel free to add some more. I know there’s no dearth of such teachers).

3) ‘Ek baal’ and ‘Do baal’- the names supposedly given to the two lab ass’ are not actually ‘given’; their real names are "Mr. Iqbal" and "Mr. Dobal"

4) Every other girl is your sister! It doesn’t matter calling them so makes your parents also the parents of a certain 4000 girls more!

5) The washrooms are infested with poltergeists which take huge pleasure in making sure that the school loos resemble the roadside ’sulabh shauchalyas’ at any cost so that the students do not develop a false sense of cleanliness!

6) No. of tests per year is always greater than the no. of days in a year!

7) The school courtyard resembles the Kargil warfront during classes. Step into it and… “Poof”… you’re gone!

8) The creature that resembles the endangered white elephant is actually the school tailor in his trademark white pathani.

9) Our dearest principal- a certain Mrs. Kapoor, no matter how hard she tries, yet is always late for the functions as she has to beg to her maid to lend her some sarees because she herself doesn’t seem to have any!

10) And she’s in a foul mood lately as her maid has refused to lend her any more sarees unless she’s given a pay rise!

11) The huge mess of textbooks, files, test papers, assignments, projects etc. outside the staff room is not the result of the place being treated as a dumping ground the year round but a conscious effort by the dear teachers to save the school from the volcano underneath the pile, lest it erupts!

12) Authorities in the past were in awe of Jassi’s character 50 years before she even came into existence and hence the present uniform!

13) Present authorities are planning to introduce ‘bora’ (sack) as the new uniform because they feel that the present uniform gives the false of impression of the school being in a better condition than it actually is!!

14) The swimming pool is only named so. In reality, it is a top-secret, heavily-guarded training ground for kapoor’s cats which themselves are not cats but disguised Martians, on a special mission to keep an eye on kapoor lest she takes over their planet and rusticates their king too (a task that she has been practicing for quite a while now and which is enacted thrice every day with a student playing the Martian king and she herself!


"Listen to the blackboard!!"

(This happened way back when I was in primary school. 4th standard.)

“Listen to the blackboard!" my maths teacher would call out to the class.
When I couldn’t handle it anymore, I asked her- "But how are we supposed to ‘listen’ to the blackboard, ma’am? It doesn’t say anything!"

“Oh yes. It does dear! This blackboard, the chairs, the tables are all soaked with knowledge. They speak to you, pass on the knowledge, only you should be interested enough to pay attention to them.”
“You have heard the birds chirping? Right?” she asked.

“Yes ma’am” I replied. Still perplexed.

“So, do you think that’s just a racket or does that chirping make any sense to you?” She questioned.

“Ummm… it seems they are singing, ma’am.” I replied hesitantly.

“Well, exactly the same way the sound of chalk on blackboard is also music to the ears, knowledge to the mind. Whenever a teacher writes something on the blackboard, pay attention. Listen with all your might. It seems to sing. Each and every word and syllable and even numeral has its own melody. They sing, they all sing!"
Once you’ve learnt to distinguish the melodies, let them seep into your head and heart and soul and won’t have to mug up another answer, never!

Since then, I’ve made it a point to ‘listen’ to the blackboard.

The teachers write, the letters sing and I listen…