Why do I not want to see?

Why am I refusing

to acknowledge the truth?

Why did I not recognise

that, it is, perhaps,

a little too soon?

Why am I so helpless?

Why can't I forget

and just let go?

Why is it, tell me, 

so difficult, so tough

to just carry on?

There is sunshine, I know,

At the end of every tunnel.

Why, then, is it so dark yet?

Do I not deserve even the moonlight?

Why are these shadows

my only companions?

Where are the signs

of your benign presence?

Where is the peace

that you promised me?

Where is the calm?

Oh! Why can I not see?


Author's note: Do you have any answers?

P.S.: I am hungry and bored.

P.P.S.:  This is not a 'dark, brooding post'. People who think I'm always depressed... let me just tell you that I'm roaring with laughter right now. Such is the tragicomedy of life!



As I Burn

Those sifting clouds

And their shifting shapes,

Like flames high up in the sky

Lit by the sunlight,

Struggling to survive, about to die.

The darkness, the shadow

Creeping over- stealthily, silently,

Consciously staying away

From the last of the flames,

That burn astray.

The last of the life

Slowly moves,

Towards the last ray of hope

Their lives entwined,

Like a knotted rope.

The smoke that rises

From my ashes,

Ascends in spirals

From the grave of my dreams,

Of all unspoken desires.

As I burn...

As I burn...


Men and Women

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Author's note: I, of course, did not come up with this fantastic comparison. This is what I came across while going through some of the usually untouched folders in my computer. Now, trust me, I have no idea how it ended up in my documents in the first place. I'm no feminist (I know some people (well, atleast there's one I'm pretty sure of) who would disagree to this, but we'll deal with them later) and I do not work for Women's lib; neither am I a misandrist. I found it pretty amusing and wondered how people (yes, men and women alike) would react to it. I'm sure everyone might have something to say to this. Would love to see your comments...


Introspection (tag)

I have been tagged by Prakhar, or rather I tagged myself. This was a sort of a suicidal tag. He had tagged the first 25 persons to comment on his post; I ended up being the first. Although I totally detest tags and have been conveniently ignoring every time I was tagged since a while, I have decided to go ahead with this one.

Rules –
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to link the person who tagged you.

Gosh! This is going to be one hell of a job.

1. The only reason I’m sitting here doing this tag is because I have turned into a sort of a recluse. I go to college sparingly. The last time I went to college was 17th February- a good 10 days ago. Most people know that I’m down with the flu, which is just part of the truth. I am obviously not going to blurt why I’m not going to college coz some people from my college read this blog and it would be good for them (and me) to stay blissfully unaware.

2. It has been more than a month since I wrote the first point and then never opened this document again. I’ve recommenced on this task coz I know if I don’t write now I would never be able to mention some of the things I’m planning to blurt out here.

3. I’m called pseudo-suicidal by some people (perhaps, most) and I know I am one. But it’s still ‘pseudo’ coz I’m a coward. I’ve tried to kill myself a hell lot of times but never succeeded. I’ve finally figured out the problem (much thanks to some people for their help) and it’s simple- I’m not at peace. My mind’s in a constant conflict. The day I’m at peace with myself and the decision, I’ll end it forever.

4. Only yesterday I had decided to NOT care about people, become anti-social and not go to college... Got a call this morning... Going to college ‘cause I have a packet of sutta in my bag which belongs to someone else and (god-dammit) I DO care!

5. I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Nice. I also know I’m a horrible talker. Conversations just don’t come naturally to me. I’m here to listen to everybody rant but keep my feelings to myself. But I’m trying hard to get more vocal about my feelings. (Well, this is precisely one of the reasons I’m still writing even though I know once I finish this tag I’ll be even more suicidal.)

6. I’ve been writing for half an hour and have come up with only 4 new points. Sadly, all of them sound similar.

7. Ah! I recalled a funny one. Since college started, I had a huge crush on this one guy. Yesterday, when I had had enough of everything I blurted it out to him. This person replies- “haan, wo to mujhe pata tha.” Damn him! Making life difficult for me! But I’m thankful for the fact the unlike other guys this one’s sensible. There’s nothing awkward between us, everything’s exactly as it was before I let him in on the secret. On any other day, I would have said that I’m glad to have such friends, but not today. Nope.

8. I was planning to ask my dad to teach me how to smoke today. But since, I’m going to college now; I think I’ll have to postpone the plan. I know I WILL start smoking and drinking some day and I also know that day isn’t too far.

9. I wish I could be the same person I was some 3 years ago- buried in her books, not a care in the world, no friends (and hence no backstabbers), never talked to anyone except herself... are wishes meant to come true?

10. Wow! I just had an argument with my mum. Nothing new about it except the fact that it’s only quarter past 8 in the morning. Result- the entire day is ruined already.

 11. Not many people know this but I’m a black belt in Karate.

12. And not many people know this but I’m also a trained Kathak dancer, a state-level swimmer (or rather used-to-be... I was selected to represent Delhi at the Nationals but then I got eye-flu and that was the end of my swimming carrier.), can skate pretty well. I’m also a self-trained vocalist (sounds better than ‘bathroom singer’, doesn’t it?).

13. I suffer from a major inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

14. I wish I had a house in some forest... far away from any civilization and close to nature.

15. Although I do paint sometimes I regret the fact that I can’t play any instrument.

16. There was just one person (the only one to do so) who loved me. Sadly, she left for her heavenly abode on 6th March, 2002. Since then... never mind. I’m not coming to the ‘since then’ part.

17. Sometimes, I wish my grandparents were alive. Although my nanaji (maternal grandfather) is still around, it’s as if he doesn’t exist. Some 7-8 years back when she (read 16) was still alive, he had decided to ‘boycott’ me for I was considered the ugly duckling (not in terms of looks, but behaviour and intelligence) of my family. He has come to regret the decision and wants reconciliation, but I can't forget or forgive him for what he'd done. 

18. In a (extended) family of some 27-30 cousins, 12 of whom are elder to me, I’m the only one to have entered a regular college. Everyone either dropped out after class 12th or got such low marks that they were left with no other option than to pursue a correspondence course.

19. I committed a huge mistake when I had taken up science in class 11th. By the time I realised this, it was too late. I slogged for two years, lost myself in the process but for some strange reason managed to pass. I still don’t believe in miracles, though.

20. I do not believe in coincidences either. They just don’t make sense to me.

21. I’m getting really late now, but I’ve promised myself that I’ll complete this.

22. I hate ***** for his one mistake. No matter how much I respect him, I can never forgive him.

23. I wished to make a difference in this world, but I’ve realised it is pointless.

24. I write only when I’m depressed and not otherwise. Considering I’m depressed most of the times, I write a lot but those writings are never posted here. Most of it is written to be forgotten.

25. I don’t think I have anything left to say now and my patience is running out. Besides, I’m getting late...
Author’s note: I won’t tag anyone. You want to do it? Go ahead.



Just another one of those conversations....

Girl: Hey! Hope I didn't disturb you.

Boy: No. Bol.

Girl: Well, how are you feeling now? Any better?

Boy: Haan. Bol.

Girl: Erm, was just wonering if you're coming to college tomorrow.

Boy: Haan. Bol.

Girl: Ah! I'm glad. Atleast someone's coming... you know... 

Boy: Haan. chal bye.


Author's note: The initial plan was to write a long note explaining the context of this post but now I'm just too bored and sleepy, so I'll just leave it at this. Hope you get the point, though.

P.S.: My humble apologies for the lame title. I just couldn't find anything... considering I've just typed this in 5 minutes while the last scene of the movie I was watching is buffering. 


The Broken Seat.

A man riding a bicycle fell. The seat was broken. He had tied it with a rope to keep it in place, but the rope came loose; he lost balance and fell.


“Bye Honey”, he called out as he stood at the door.

It was strange. The day itself was strange. He never bade farewell to his wife, never even called her ‘Honey’.

“Where is my Tiffin?”. He enquired.

‘No Tiffin today. No food at home. whatever there was, I fed to the kids. please get some money tonight or the kids will have to n hungry for the day’. She replied.

He sold flowers. He had made 70 rupees by the evening. That would take care of the kid’s food for the day.

‘I need to get the seat’ he thought as the rope came loose a second time that day. But that would cost around 40 rupees and the kids will have to go hungry. ‘No!. food for the kids is the priority. I can do without the seat’.
It was a long stretch of road- a shortcut through a desolate area. He did not usually take that route for there was a chance of encountering robbers. But he was late and the thought of his hungry children made him forget his own fears. The rope that held the seat in place came loose a third time and he fell on the road. Two orbs travelling at a high speed blinded him. His hands tried to shield his eyes but they could shield him from the fate that awaited him. The next moment the same orbs had run over him leaving a pool of blood and gore where he fell. The 70 rupees had fallen out of his pocket and lay soaked near his mangled remains.
The hungry children cried themselves to sleep that night.


Author's note: Yes, I know it's weird. I wrote it a long time back while travelling in 912. I don't  know what inspired me to write this. I don't know why I had not posted it and I don't even know why I've decided to post it now when I've ruined everything and reduced my life to a mess... no, mess is an understatement. Anyways, you get the picture.

P.S.: I wish I'd meet the same fate as the man in this story.