Somewhere deep in my heart, I knew this day would come... what I did not know was that it would come like this. Bidding adieu has never been easy but I’ve done it once today and that makes this easier. In fact, I won’t be lying if I say that the first goodbye was the trigger for the second one.
I remember a late-night conversation with a dear friend who was surprised to learn about my intense attachment with my blog. I’m reproducing the conversation here-
you talk about this as if it were not my blog but something else....
Distorted: I understand you're pretty attached to it.
me: But of course!
It’s the only thing that has been constantly accompanying me since the last one and half year...
Distorted: A part of you, eh?
me: much more than that!
It’s my life...
that sounds clichéd
but its true
Yes, sad though it may sound, it is true. The blog, is, was, my life.
(I just saw Deepa’s comment on the last post. Yes, it feels glad to have you back Deepa, but I won’t be around anymore to share all the fun.)
Two years ago, the commencement of this blog also marked the beginning of a great friendship. Although we parted ways after a year, I still cherish every moment of it. Some things are not meant to work out and that was one of them and even though it ended, I only have fond recollections of it. I am, and will always be, grateful to J for introducing me to the almost-magical world of blogosphere.
Now that I’m on a reminiscence tour, it’s getting difficult to continue with this. However melodramatic this may sound, it actually hurts to type every single letter- a real heartache, not just a metaphorical one.
Moving on, I made more friends. As I type it out now, it sounds really ridiculous, but these ‘virtual’ friends felt more ‘real’ than the ‘real’ ones. I was, for once, overjoyed! Thinking of it, Kreation even played an enormous role in helping me find the love of my life. No, I did not ‘find’ him through my blog, but if it hadn’t been for our respective blogs, we would not have, perhaps, even talked to each other... nothing more than the customary ‘HIs’ and ‘hellos’, I’m sure. I’m still grateful to the blogosphere for all these wonderful people in my life and it was the loss of one of them that drove me to write this post and put an end to Kreation.
Stupid though it may sound, I don’t want to meet more people. I don’t want to make new ‘friends’. It hurts when they leave and no matter how much you try to move on and let go, there remains a big, gaping hole in your heart- the place they once occupied. I’m a coward, no doubt about it. I’ve lost enough people in my life, some to fate and some to utter stupidity, but no more of it. It hurts when you lose them to fate; there’s certain permanence about it. But it hurts a thousand-fold when you lose someone to human fallacies. It hurts when they block you, mentally and/ or technically and won’t even listen what you have to say.
Even the best of friends just break-off and would not even try making it work. It difficult, no doubt, but isn’t the friendship worth it all? Like another friend said, you feel like executing them all. But then, what good does it do? Being at the receiving end not just once I know it won’t do any good. They just block you, forget it, move on. They don’t give a damn about it. Apparently, they’re so ‘embittered’ by one mistake that they are ready to put weeks, months and years of all the good times you shared together. And it just doesn’t matter.
And what do you do when faced by such a situation? Or, can you really do anything when they’re hell bent on ignoring you? Of course not! You can write, hope that they would read it but they’ve blocked you, so no point! Ultimately, what happens is that you are the one, who thinks about it, gets stressed out, even cry your heart out sometimes, but then, WHAT?
You can move on, of course, but as Aupsy said- “there's only a limit to how much one can move on... one can’t go beyond the end of the world... and if we keep moving on, wouldn’t be the ones to find ourselves in a corner?” You want to kick them, slap them, even beg them... anything to make them see sense, but you inadvertently end up with a sorry... only because you care. What other alternative do you have? Sticking to someone who doesn’t wish to be bothered by you? Imposing yourself on them? That does no good. If only there was a way of letting them know the intensity of the hurt they’ve caused you. But, there isn’t. And what if you manage to tell them? Can you rest in peace after that? “Friends don’t come in wholesale”. :-)
I know I’m blabbering but the point of the matter is that this is all a game of avoiding failure. I was thirsty for love; the blog showered me with it. But this love is like Leprechaun gold. It doesn’t last. And then the world burns... the heart yearns... to no avail! I've had enough of it! So, since I'm also on a trip to shut down all entrances to my heart, I decided to start with the blog. Like the old saying goes- na rahega baans, na bajegi baansuri.
This is cowardice too, definitely, but at least the blog won’t beg me to listen to it. And if it does... I swear to God, if it does, I’ll listen!
Oh well! I want to write more and more and more, so that there IS no end but now it’s impossible to write more. A part of me is trying to stop me from doing this and a constant mental struggle is on. And before I give in to the tempting idea of deleting all this, I’m going to post it and be done with it.
So, well, yeah... this is...