Glitch in My Brain

 (Image courtesy: My brain tumor)

Yes, you read right. I have always wondered if there was a glitch in my brain (à la Bella, yes) and I have finally come to the conclusion that it is indeed present!

I was thinking (*sigh* contrary to popular belief, yes, I do think) why I never have any answers and why I keep falling in the same dark holes (like LGL’s crab) over and over again. It was then that an important realization dawned on me- I never know what I want, only that which I don’t want!
 

Now, I don’t have any regrets from my life; I have (more or less) lived it the way I wanted to. I have learnt from my mistakes but never regretted a moment of my life, so far. It was all necessary to make me what I am today. I was learning then, I am learning still and I will continue to learn, always.
 

The trouble, if any, is that, yet again, I do not know what I want and this time I’m afraid of losing my way! Trust me; it is not a good feeling at all.
Ignorance is bliss, you say, eh? Bite me!
THIS ignorance is NOT good!!!
 

Imagine yourself as lost in some gigantic, befuddling intricate labyrinth of sorts; just standing there- inert, passive, stationary- while hundreds, thousands, millions of human souls move about frantically looking for their respective destinations, for the maze has a different escape route for every individual. At least they are aware of their destinations, but what about you? You are just- lost- in every sense of that word.
 

Now can you feel your insides horribly squirming; inexplicably?

It is not good, not good at all.
 

Wish I knew the way out of this maze...
 

I will write more about this ‘glitch in my brain’ (maybe/ maybe not). But for now, it’s time to scoot. A certain author X and his critics A, B and C are all waiting with their paranormal theories to devour whatever is left of my poor brain.

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

Author's note: I was seriously considering putting it up on my other blog, but then decided to go against it. Don't ask me why. I don't know!

Currently singing- Phoebe's "Trapped in the Hospital Closet"- 

And they found their bodies the very next day,
they found their bodies the very next day,
la la la, la la la, la la la...
:-)

It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen

Right after the first exam- Individual and Society (which went quite well considering the questions were ridiculously easy (and since only I (Yes! The others found it a lil 'weird' and lengthy (WTF!)) found it easy, I'm sure I've screwed it up.)), I was excited (and ruffled and jittery and twitchy... get the picture?) about the next one- Environmental Issues in India (or EII, as it's better known). Since we didn't have any classes in the third term, we had not done a single case study (and there are nine!). I decided to not take things lightly and asked a friend of mine (who happens to be younger than me and yet my senior in college) to help me out. This helpful soul (I'm not being sarcastic!) came to the college and I spent the day studying EII. 

(Check the parenthesis)

What did I learn?

Take a look-

(Click on the pictures for a larger version)

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. 

- Dickens

You must not know too much or be too precise or scientific about birds and trees and flowers and watercraft; a certain free-margin, and even vagueness - ignorance, credulity - helps your enjoyment of these things.

Now hast thou but [two bare years] to live,

And then thou must be damned perpetually.

Stand still, you ever-moving spheres of heaven,

That time may cease, and midnight never come.

And this our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. -Shakespeare

 Adda: Our little heaven. They say that Heaven is like TV... a perfect little world, that doesn't really need you.

If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams - the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn.

 

Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself.

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

 Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it. -Thoureau

You will find something more in woods than in books. Trees and stones will teach you that which you can never learn from masters.

I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do.

There's nothing that keeps its youth,

So far as I know, but a tree and truth.

Give me the splendid silent sun with all his beams full-dazzling.

Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.

Those whom we support hold us up in life.

False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports. - Richard Burton

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. - Khali Gibran

To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold. -Archibald MacLeish

Thank heavens the sun has gone in, and I don't have to go out and enjoy it.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. - Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Tis education forms the common mind; 

Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined. 

- Alexander Pope

 For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together. For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad. -Edwin Teale

It is not much for its beauty that makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanates from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit. - R.L. Stevenson

 Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes.

 The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone.

It is not growing like a tree in bulk doth make man better be; 

Or standing long an oak, three hundred year, 

To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere, 

A lily of a day is fairer in May 

Although it fall and die that night, 

It was the plant of flower and light, 

In small proportions we just beauties see; 

And in short measures, life may perfect be. 

The Critics' Advocate: Gates to heaven, anyone?

My words fly up, my thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go. - Shakespeare

 The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits. - Chesterton

From the persistence of noise comes the insistence of rage. From the emergence of tone comes the divergence of thought. From the enlightenment of music comes the wisdom of... silence. - Visions of Gregorian Chants

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!

One need not be a chamber to be haunted; One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing Material place. - Emily Dickinson

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room.

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

And you think I would waste such a good day trying to study wretched EII? Naah!! Impossible.

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

Author's note: I just wasted some two hours  searching for good quotes and uploading these pictures. If you don't leave a comment... I'll haunt you forever with a dagger in my hand chanting "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen". 

Have fun.

Cheers! 

'Cause it is important to have Friends...

For all my friends... 

I am truly blessed to have you guys in my life. :-)

(Click on the picture for a larger version)

Introspection (tag)

I have been tagged by Prakhar, or rather I tagged myself. This was a sort of a suicidal tag. He had tagged the first 25 persons to comment on his post; I ended up being the first. Although I totally detest tags and have been conveniently ignoring every time I was tagged since a while, I have decided to go ahead with this one.


Rules –
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to link the person who tagged you.

Gosh! This is going to be one hell of a job.



1. The only reason I’m sitting here doing this tag is because I have turned into a sort of a recluse. I go to college sparingly. The last time I went to college was 17th February- a good 10 days ago. Most people know that I’m down with the flu, which is just part of the truth. I am obviously not going to blurt why I’m not going to college coz some people from my college read this blog and it would be good for them (and me) to stay blissfully unaware.

2. It has been more than a month since I wrote the first point and then never opened this document again. I’ve recommenced on this task coz I know if I don’t write now I would never be able to mention some of the things I’m planning to blurt out here.

3. I’m called pseudo-suicidal by some people (perhaps, most) and I know I am one. But it’s still ‘pseudo’ coz I’m a coward. I’ve tried to kill myself a hell lot of times but never succeeded. I’ve finally figured out the problem (much thanks to some people for their help) and it’s simple- I’m not at peace. My mind’s in a constant conflict. The day I’m at peace with myself and the decision, I’ll end it forever.

4. Only yesterday I had decided to NOT care about people, become anti-social and not go to college... Got a call this morning... Going to college ‘cause I have a packet of sutta in my bag which belongs to someone else and (god-dammit) I DO care!

5. I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Nice. I also know I’m a horrible talker. Conversations just don’t come naturally to me. I’m here to listen to everybody rant but keep my feelings to myself. But I’m trying hard to get more vocal about my feelings. (Well, this is precisely one of the reasons I’m still writing even though I know once I finish this tag I’ll be even more suicidal.)

6. I’ve been writing for half an hour and have come up with only 4 new points. Sadly, all of them sound similar.

7. Ah! I recalled a funny one. Since college started, I had a huge crush on this one guy. Yesterday, when I had had enough of everything I blurted it out to him. This person replies- “haan, wo to mujhe pata tha.” Damn him! Making life difficult for me! But I’m thankful for the fact the unlike other guys this one’s sensible. There’s nothing awkward between us, everything’s exactly as it was before I let him in on the secret. On any other day, I would have said that I’m glad to have such friends, but not today. Nope.

8. I was planning to ask my dad to teach me how to smoke today. But since, I’m going to college now; I think I’ll have to postpone the plan. I know I WILL start smoking and drinking some day and I also know that day isn’t too far.

9. I wish I could be the same person I was some 3 years ago- buried in her books, not a care in the world, no friends (and hence no backstabbers), never talked to anyone except herself... are wishes meant to come true?

10. Wow! I just had an argument with my mum. Nothing new about it except the fact that it’s only quarter past 8 in the morning. Result- the entire day is ruined already.

 11. Not many people know this but I’m a black belt in Karate.

12. And not many people know this but I’m also a trained Kathak dancer, a state-level swimmer (or rather used-to-be... I was selected to represent Delhi at the Nationals but then I got eye-flu and that was the end of my swimming carrier.), can skate pretty well. I’m also a self-trained vocalist (sounds better than ‘bathroom singer’, doesn’t it?).

13. I suffer from a major inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

14. I wish I had a house in some forest... far away from any civilization and close to nature.

15. Although I do paint sometimes I regret the fact that I can’t play any instrument.

16. There was just one person (the only one to do so) who loved me. Sadly, she left for her heavenly abode on 6th March, 2002. Since then... never mind. I’m not coming to the ‘since then’ part.

17. Sometimes, I wish my grandparents were alive. Although my nanaji (maternal grandfather) is still around, it’s as if he doesn’t exist. Some 7-8 years back when she (read 16) was still alive, he had decided to ‘boycott’ me for I was considered the ugly duckling (not in terms of looks, but behaviour and intelligence) of my family. He has come to regret the decision and wants reconciliation, but I can't forget or forgive him for what he'd done. 

18. In a (extended) family of some 27-30 cousins, 12 of whom are elder to me, I’m the only one to have entered a regular college. Everyone either dropped out after class 12th or got such low marks that they were left with no other option than to pursue a correspondence course.

19. I committed a huge mistake when I had taken up science in class 11th. By the time I realised this, it was too late. I slogged for two years, lost myself in the process but for some strange reason managed to pass. I still don’t believe in miracles, though.

20. I do not believe in coincidences either. They just don’t make sense to me.

21. I’m getting really late now, but I’ve promised myself that I’ll complete this.

22. I hate ***** for his one mistake. No matter how much I respect him, I can never forgive him.

23. I wished to make a difference in this world, but I’ve realised it is pointless.

24. I write only when I’m depressed and not otherwise. Considering I’m depressed most of the times, I write a lot but those writings are never posted here. Most of it is written to be forgotten.

25. I don’t think I have anything left to say now and my patience is running out. Besides, I’m getting late...
Author’s note: I won’t tag anyone. You want to do it? Go ahead.

Conversation

Just another one of those conversations....

Girl: Hey! Hope I didn't disturb you.

Boy: No. Bol.

Girl: Well, how are you feeling now? Any better?

Boy: Haan. Bol.

Girl: Erm, was just wonering if you're coming to college tomorrow.

Boy: Haan. Bol.

Girl: Ah! I'm glad. Atleast someone's coming... you know... 

Boy: Haan. chal bye.

*click*

Author's note: The initial plan was to write a long note explaining the context of this post but now I'm just too bored and sleepy, so I'll just leave it at this. Hope you get the point, though.

P.S.: My humble apologies for the lame title. I just couldn't find anything... considering I've just typed this in 5 minutes while the last scene of the movie I was watching is buffering. 

Captive freedom

Remember the day
we kissed
and you lay bare
you heart?
I could see
right through it.
That little,
malicious thing,
Satan in disguise!
Oh! How it disgusted me...
To think
that I loved one
who knew not what love is!
I made another mistake,
I thought
I could teach you;
I assumed
you were willing to learn;
Little did I realise
that you didn't want
the soul
I was willing to part with
for you.
What you required
was the flesh and bone
that were of no consequence.
I gave it away...
My entire being
was at your disposal!
You were ecstatic,
over the moon.
Thought you had bought me
with all your gifts
and the (false) affection
you showered upon me.
Little did you realise
that the smile on my face
was cynical,
not supportive.
Little did you know
that you had not
secured  me for yourself,
but set me free
to discover the joys
of my new-found freedom!

Innocent souls fluttering by...

Innocent souls fluttering by,
A divine peace on their glowing faces,
A glittering sword came flashing by,
And reduced them to traces.
Their ashes mingled with dust and flew,
Their silent screams echoing,
The sky turned to an azure blue,
The river stealthily flowing,
Like a thief in the dead of the night,
Carrying a message to the oceans.
The birds too took flight,
In one swift, sweeping motion,
A long journey lay ahead,
For the river and the birds.
But the message should be carried on,
Long echoed the words.
For their sacrifice won't be forgotten,
Their memories won't die,
As long as they carry on
And time passes by.

This poem was written about a month back and I can't exactly remember what drove me to write it, but as I was typing it out I realised that scarily (indeed!) it fits in after the recent terror attacks.


According to Wikipedia: “Terrorism is the systematic use of terror, especially as a means of coercion.” There is no internationally agreed definition of terrorism. Most common definitions of terrorism include only those acts which are intended to create fear (terror), are perpetrated for an ideological goal (as opposed to a lone attack), and deliberately target or disregard the safety of non-combatants.
Terrorism is no new concept. As far back as the history takes us, there have been acts the sole purpose of which was to generate fear. The earliest known organization that exhibited a similar outlook to that of a modern terrorist organization was the Zealots of Judea. Known to the Romans as sicarii (Latin plural of Sicarius 'dagger-' or later contract- killer), they carried on an underground campaign of assassination of Roman occupation forces, as well as any Jews they felt had collaborated with the Romans. Their motive was an uncompromising belief that they could not remain faithful to the dictates of Judaism while living as Roman subjects. Eventually, the Zealot revolt became open, and they were finally besieged and committed mass suicide at the fortification of Masada.

Although terrorism has been used since the beginning of recorded history as a tool or a tactic, it can be relatively hard to define. Terrorism has been described variously as both a tactic and strategy; a crime and a holy duty; a justified reaction to oppression and an inexcusable abomination. Obviously, a lot depends on whose point of view is being represented. For the weaker side in a conflict, it has always been a rather effective tactic.

Early practitioners of terrorism, such as the Zealots and the Assassins did not leave any particular philosophy or doctrine on their use of terrorism. With the exception of spectacular failures such as Guy Fawkes' religiously inspired attempt to assassinate King James I and both Houses of Parliament in England, terrorism did not separate itself or its progress beyond the normal practices of warfare at that time. Some even go as far as to negate calling these incidents terrorism at all. As political systems became more sophisticated, and political authority was viewed as less of a divine gift and more as a social construct, new ideas about political conflict developed.

In the early 20th Century nationalism and revolutionary political ideologies were the principal developmental forces acting upon terrorism. When the Treaty of Versailles redrew the map of Europe after World War I by breaking up the Austro-Hungarian Empire and creating new nations, it acknowledged the principle of self-determination for nationalities and ethnic groups. This encouraged minorities and ethnicities, which did not receive recognition, to campaign for independence or autonomy.

Since the end of World War II, terrorism has accelerated its development into a major component of contemporary conflict. Primarily in use immediately after the war as a subordinate element of anti-colonial insurgencies, it expanded beyond that role. In the service of various ideologies and aspirations, terrorism sometimes supplanted other forms of conflict completely. It also became a far-reaching weapon capable of effects no less global than the intercontinental bomber or missile. It has also proven to be a significant tool of diplomacy and international power for states inclined to use it.

As a method of conflict that continues to exist and has advanced through several millennia, terrorism has flourished in this modern age with the aid of technology and continues adapt to meet the challenges of emerging forms of conflict. Terrorists have developed focused techniques for specified attacks and in the wake of some recent activities we can also safely say that they have managed to come out of their cocooned, subordinate role in the nation-state conflicts only to become notoriously prominent as international influences in their own right.

Due to the increase in information outlets, and competition with increasing numbers of other messages, terrorism now requires a greatly increased amount of violence or novelty to attract the attention it requires. The tendency of major media to compete for ratings and the subsequent revenue realized from increases in their audience size and share produces pressures on terrorists to increase the impact and violence of their actions to take advantage of this sensationalism.

I got around 30 different e-mails, read dozens of articles and blog posts and heard scores of speeches by the 'leaders'. Be it these so-called leaders, the celebrity-fraternity, the writers, the journalists or the common blogger... everyone had zillions of complaints and not one viable alternative. Why? Why blame the politicians when we are the ones who chose them? Why blame the authorities for not keeping a check when you can't look into your conscience and as yourself a simple question- whether you had followed the rules or not? I reckon its better if instead of focussing on what HAS BEEN done (or rather NOT done), we now channel our energies to what CAN be done.

As we move to a new paradigm, civil liberties and individual rights must be preserved – the cure must not be worse than the disease. If we are to maintain the values upon which this Nation was founded, a certain amount of risk must be accepted.

In partnership with the media and educational institutions, the following steps can be undertaken to assure ourselves of a terrorism-free future:

• Develop consistent and trustworthy messages that realistically, truthfully, comprehensibly and persuasively convey the risks we face, along with the ambiguity about when, where, and how those risks might materialize.

• Maintain credibility and public trust by keeping the public fully informed and by providing accurate, science-based information.

• Provide clear, concrete recommendations for personal safety actions – both during and following crisis – that enables a choice of options (if available) and enhanced perceptions of control.

• Identify evidence-based strategies for communicating these messages and involve psychologists in the shaping and empirical evaluation of communications.

• Continue to engage the media as an ally in the timely dissemination of accurate and actionable information. To do so will involve improving media relations in advance of a crisis, sharing information, and working aggressively to minimize suspicion and mistrust. Effective crisis communication strategies and plans at all levels of government and within the private sector should be developed in collaboration with one another and respective media outlets.

• In collaboration with the Department of Education and state and local partners, consideration should be given to implementing developmentally appropriate education at the elementary school, high school and college/university levels.

___________________________________________________________________
Author's note: I tried to revamp the look of my blog (as if you didn't notice!) and  in doing so I have managed to lose the links of most of the blogs in blogroll. If you visit the blog, please leave a comment so that I can link your blog once again. Inconvenience is regretted. (Ha! You think I meant that, didn't you. You were mistaken dearie... BUT... DO leave a comment else I won't be able to blogroll you again.)

The Rock

(Click on the photo for a larger version)

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock. 

Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)

(I took this photograph on my trip to Yamuna Bridge, Mussoorie in June this year. Showed it to a dear friend of mine who encouraged me to put it up here. Before you start commenting on the nuances of photography and the angle, lights... whetever.. let me just remind you that this particular photograph was clicked using a 2MP Nokia cellphone.)

Magificence of Existence*

Veils of dark clouds,
Prevailing to blinding nights,
I dare not go.
Why should I?
Where howling wolves
Of lost distance
Nights rise.
Lies- evil with black tormented lives
With bloody red eyes
And liquid green skins.
With frowns of sadness
As if evil missed life themselves.
In that ecliptic night with twinkling stars they await me
With open eyes to end that dreadful life
That I live
Sandwiched between glass and steel and life itself,
I look into the height
Of the night
And see no Gods cry at my being,
But I see beauty,
Beauty of the dark night
With sparkling skies and shy moons
A question poses itself
Should I leave such beauty?
Beauty of the night,
Beauty of life itself
If worth ending it all,
Accepting the out-stretched arms of evil
No.
I shall live life like a knight
With no fear of the night,
Or of life itself.

* Donated by Ampla Naidoo to keep the blog alive as apparently I am in no fit mental state to write something.

"Listen to the blackboard!!"

(This happened way back when I was in primary school. 4th standard.)


“Listen to the blackboard!" my maths teacher would call out to the class.
When I couldn’t handle it anymore, I asked her- "But how are we supposed to ‘listen’ to the blackboard, ma’am? It doesn’t say anything!"

“Oh yes. It does dear! This blackboard, the chairs, the tables are all soaked with knowledge. They speak to you, pass on the knowledge, only you should be interested enough to pay attention to them.”
“You have heard the birds chirping? Right?” she asked.

“Yes ma’am” I replied. Still perplexed.

“So, do you think that’s just a racket or does that chirping make any sense to you?” She questioned.

“Ummm… it seems they are singing, ma’am.” I replied hesitantly.

“Well, exactly the same way the sound of chalk on blackboard is also music to the ears, knowledge to the mind. Whenever a teacher writes something on the blackboard, pay attention. Listen with all your might. It seems to sing. Each and every word and syllable and even numeral has its own melody. They sing, they all sing!"
Once you’ve learnt to distinguish the melodies, let them seep into your head and heart and soul and won’t have to mug up another answer, never!

Since then, I’ve made it a point to ‘listen’ to the blackboard.

The teachers write, the letters sing and I listen…

HANDICAP INVARIABLY PREVENTS PEOPLE FROM LEADING A HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE!!!

I was given this topic and was asked to speak for the motion in an inter-school debate. My first reaction- “I’m sorry, I can’t!" The topic was enough to catch my attention towards the sheer neglect of handicapped people. Everywhere I look there are devils and angels, pantheons and freak-shows, all in the name of disability. Its hardly not a new trend. But this millennia-old attitude does a terrible disservice to disabled people everywhere to be cast as either devils or angels. It is dehumanizing, and removes us from our humanity and thus our basic human rights too.

I have come across a variety of individuals who have accepted challenges in life in the form of some handicap. (My father himself is visually handicapped, lost his eyes when he was just 2 yr. old.So i can say that i have had the opportunity to spend time in close proximity to handicapped people). But these people so successfully thwarted it that it now appears to be a life full of success and epitome for others. They never let their disability come in their way.

Disability?
Have I used this word?
But why?
I should not have!

Now there are positive terms available, matching with the positive attitude of such persons with handicaps. These individuals accept much bigger challenges in life because of the deficiency of a vital organ and so they should be termed as challenged!!

Handicap is basically a state of the mind. A so called able-bodied person may also not live a productive life. He may attribute his unhappiness to some other thing which he lacks in life. Don’t we all do that? Be it money, comfort or even the non-fulfillment of our wishes.
Just on the contrary, a person WITH a handicap may generally forget all about his deficiency , fight against all odds, struggle hard and lead a happy and productive life.
It depends more on our outlook towards life rather than the handicap.

If we look at it from a scientific angle, all our 5 senses enable us to lead a smooth life but in case a person is deprived of any particular sense, his sensory perception becomes so powerful and acute.
This simply happens because of his total dependence on his remaining 4 senses.
For example- if a person has a loss of vision, his aural and tactual perception increases, making it possible for him to forget all about his loss of vision.

In many areas we also notice that an individual who has accepted his handicap with an optimistic outlook and is content with his life is generally not accepted by a society which perceives handicap as a stigma or a blur.


At times, the society itself poses hindrances and obstacles by depriving an individual with a handicap of the opportunities which come in the way very naturally to a person without a handicap. Is this fair on their behalf? Did they commit a mistake by being a little less equipped than us, the so called able-bodied?
NO! Then they have every right to live a productive life! And those who think otherwise, I consider that they are the ones who are really handicapped.

A ‘Unique’ Journey- From Cocksure to Simply Undaunted!

Excerpts from the autobiography of a troubled soul…




“There was a time when I used to be a very confident person, or, as some people ( read ‘parents and friends‘) would like to put it- rather overconfident. But I loved it! I loved every moment & cherish these moments till date . Though, because of my annoying ways I had few ( read ‘just 4’) friends and I kept irritating them to no end, they still stuck by my side and are among the very few people whom I truly worship.

But then I entered the 16th spring of my life, I entered my 11th class and *CRASH* came my confidence & shattered into a billion pieces in front my eyes as I stood & watched hopelessly. I never knew there were so many better scholars than me, I never knew our school had trained classical vocalists & musicians ( I was just a ‘bathroom singer’ for them, though personally I feel it’s a really useless term!) and I never knew that there were professional artistes, amazing writers and poets, national level swimmers &badminton players and above all - even more confident people around me!

I felt so small, so ashamed in front of them that I thought it better to leave my ‘uniqueness’ behind and merge with the crowd. So, with the flick of a wand ( Yep! I’m an HP fan!) I lost my identity completely.

One and a half year I spent as such when suddenly Alex came into my life. At that time I was as devoid of any self- confidence as Harry’s cauldron is devoid of any potion ( if it is even fit enough even to be called so!) after Snape’s brief spell of ‘Evanesco’. And out of the blue, he said he loved me!!
At first- I thought mine ears deceive me!
Second time- I thought it was a joke!
Third time- I laughed it off!
Fourth time- I thought it was a prank!
Fifth time- I thought it was a really bad lie! ( I mean who, in his right mind, can love an overweight, ugly, arrogant girl as me?!)
Sixth time- I felt pity for him. “This guy doesn’t know where he’s heading” I said.
Seventh time- ( He was a dear friend by now.) I tried to assure him its not love!
Eighth time- I got really frustrated and said yes!!

Now, started the real task. Actually I like Alex and believed what he said but the fact was that I didn’t have enough faith in myself. Then came the tough part- I knew I had to say no. I had to deny and reject his love for his own good! I felt he deserved a better person than me.
It was difficult ut in the end I managed it. Though, it left a little hole in my heart where he once lived. I thought it was just the pain of losing a dear friend that I was experiencing, didn’t understand that it was more than that!

With each passing day, I thought the pain would subside, rather, it grew, as did the hole in my heart. Then came the crashing blow- he said he was leaving the country for good(yes! I was still in touch with him). And that did it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I knew, I understood- it had been love all the while, and I poured my heart out to him. I cried, I apologized, went on with my excuses for behaving like I did and all he did was listen patiently and all he said in the end was- “ I love you! No matter how you look or behave, I love you for who you ARE!”

With a BANG, I was back on track. Back to where I rightly belonged. My self-esteem came soaring back, and I got rid of all the faceless masks, nameless identities and false pretences that I had put up.
I welcomed myself back!’

I did not write this for some ‘personality development’, ‘gaining self-confidence’ or ‘self-esteem building’ seminar. I wrote it for myself. A third person’s love for me made me love myself all over again.

Neglecting you faults and shortcomings and running away from adversities is easy, very easy. But accepting them and moving on with as what you are makes you better with each passing day. My best friend once said to me- “Kate, there are two ways of attaining the same goal- one is easier, shorter; the other is- right!.” Choose what you want, but remember- the easy and shorter route might give you all the success in a short span, but it would never give you the satisfaction of being right, just and truthful. There will always be a huge guilt over your head burdening you more and more with each passing day.

A third person’s love in me made me love myself all over again. I chose what was right, though I had nearly lost the opportunity but I was lucky, and I managed. Merely copying others and doing what your peers do is not at all difficult. Difficult is standing out in a crowd. Speaking up for what you believe in and doing what your conscience tells you to. But once you achieve this seemingly impossible goal, you would be so content, so much at peace with yourself that no goal would be impossible anymore, no journey too difficult, no destination too far.
Good luck for your life ahead.
Lovingly yours
Forever
KATE

Awakening

It was an ordinary day,
The sun rose,
Just as beautiful as it always does,
I sat down to describe its beauty,
Its warmth, its splendor,
I felt it was my duty.
I could hear the birds chirping,
I could hear their sweet twittering,
There were those huge oak branches swaying,
As if dancing,
And the leaves rustling,
To the soft melody,
Of the gentle breeze.
Yes! It was just another ordinary day,
And as always there were the chirping birds,
But as I sat down to write,
I felt,
As if I had no words!!

What had happened?
All of a sudden!!
How could I lose my ability?
When all my life I’ve been writing poetry.
What had happened?
I could not understand!
So confused, so muddled,
My mind just wouldn’t apprehend!
And there I was,
Lost in my sea of thoughts,
Yet couldn’t produce a single word on paper.

But one thing I knew for sure
My mind was right, my heart- pure.
What was amiss?
I knew not.
But, I knew I had to find the reason,
And fast. Else it’ll be too late.
I threw my pen and cursed my fate!
Yet! Ah my life with its sorrows abound,
Poetry was where solace I found!
Now that was gone too -Oh God!
I need your help, My Lord!

I set to a hard day’s work,
Crossing many dangers,
Asking every stranger.
It was a long, tiresome task,
But I noticed something really strange-
Each man wore a different mask,
Different from its own identity.
“Was it some kind of enmity-?”
I questioned myself,
“From their own soul and self? “
Which led them to live such a life?
They weren’t free- rather scared.
Asi f there were this huge knife,
somewhere close by, waiting to slice off their head,
While they waited and waited.
“Is this life all about?” I thought.
If yes, then I felt I was blessed.
I was free, I was careless
Of that I was sure.
And I started my journey back home.
Yet there was sorrow, and a piercing pain.
After all, what I had lost,
Was precious, not mundane.
The more I thought about it,
The more I seemed to regret.
What had happened was not my fault,
Yet I couldn’t forget.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself,
But this time I got no reply.

As I was returning,
Walking in the rain to hide my tears,
I saw this innocent face,
Which knew nothing but fears.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself yet again
And this time I got my answer-
‘Life, in itself, is one great pain”
All of a sudden, my words returned to me!
But this time,
I won’t waste them on things mundane,
I have a purpose now,
I am aimless no more,
Just one different day changed my life,
Made me see huger and strife,
Pain and loss, and anguish of the soul,
But- no more!
But- no more!