Be careful what you wish for, 'Cause you just might get it all

It is surprising how your feelings can betray you even if you're behind the safety of a monitor and a key-board and not staring in the eyes of the one you're talking to...

Some 10 minutes back, I was chatting with this dear friend . How easily he figured out that something was not right with me and in an effort to cheer me up he sent me this song. It's by Daughtry and it's called 'Home'. Now, Daughtry happens to be one of my favourite singers anyways and his lyrics are simply heart-rending, but this person didn't know it when he sent me the song. Sheer coincidence, yes (even though I don't believe in coincidences).

The song made me cry and this person blamed himself for it (jerk!) and logged off (nincompoop!).

But perhaps, he must be silently smiling to himself for he knew that was exactly what I needed: some solitude, nice music,reflective lyrics and a catharsis!

Thanks. 

It is amazing how what a good night's sleep or a good half hour of catharsis (and I'm not referring to stimulated evacuation of the bowels here) can do to you. Our eyes need to be cleaned with some tears and our minds with some suspended consciousness in a while to make us see the beauty of life yet again.

I felt I should share it with everyone and so, here I am with the song and the lyrics:  

I'm staring out into the night,
Trying to hide the pain.
I'm going to the place where love
And feeling good don't ever cost a thing.
And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain.

Well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
Well I'm going home.

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I've not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, it makes true.
And I don't know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

So I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home.

Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want.
Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all, yeah.

Oh, well I'm going home,
Back to the place where I belong,
And where your love has always been enough for me.
I'm not running from.
No, I think you got me all wrong.
I don't regret this life I chose for me.
But these places and these faces are getting old.
I said these places and these faces are getting old,
So I'm going home.
I'm going home. 

On a parting note, a line from this song that strikes me every single time-  "Be careful what you wish for, 'Cause you just might get it all."

Give it a thought.
:-)
 ___________________________________________________________________________________
Author's note: The idea was to actually talk about that particular line, but I'm now leaving it upto you to see what you have to say to it. Do leave a comment. :-)

It was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking thirteen

Right after the first exam- Individual and Society (which went quite well considering the questions were ridiculously easy (and since only I (Yes! The others found it a lil 'weird' and lengthy (WTF!)) found it easy, I'm sure I've screwed it up.)), I was excited (and ruffled and jittery and twitchy... get the picture?) about the next one- Environmental Issues in India (or EII, as it's better known). Since we didn't have any classes in the third term, we had not done a single case study (and there are nine!). I decided to not take things lightly and asked a friend of mine (who happens to be younger than me and yet my senior in college) to help me out. This helpful soul (I'm not being sarcastic!) came to the college and I spent the day studying EII. 

(Check the parenthesis)

What did I learn?

Take a look-

(Click on the pictures for a larger version)

 

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only. 

- Dickens

You must not know too much or be too precise or scientific about birds and trees and flowers and watercraft; a certain free-margin, and even vagueness - ignorance, credulity - helps your enjoyment of these things.

Now hast thou but [two bare years] to live,

And then thou must be damned perpetually.

Stand still, you ever-moving spheres of heaven,

That time may cease, and midnight never come.

And this our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. -Shakespeare

 Adda: Our little heaven. They say that Heaven is like TV... a perfect little world, that doesn't really need you.

If you would be pungent, be brief; for it is with words as with sunbeams - the more they are condensed, the deeper they burn.

 

Aim at the sun, and you may not reach it; but your arrow will fly far higher than if aimed at an object on a level with yourself.

Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow. The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.

 Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it. -Thoureau

You will find something more in woods than in books. Trees and stones will teach you that which you can never learn from masters.

I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do.

There's nothing that keeps its youth,

So far as I know, but a tree and truth.

Give me the splendid silent sun with all his beams full-dazzling.

Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path.

Those whom we support hold us up in life.

False friendship, like the ivy, decays and ruins the walls it embraces; but true friendship gives new life and animation to the object it supports. - Richard Burton

If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees. - Khali Gibran

To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold. -Archibald MacLeish

Thank heavens the sun has gone in, and I don't have to go out and enjoy it.

We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools. - Martin Luther King Jr.

 

Tis education forms the common mind; 

Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclined. 

- Alexander Pope

 For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together. For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad. -Edwin Teale

It is not much for its beauty that makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanates from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit. - R.L. Stevenson

 Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. -Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes.

 The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone.

It is not growing like a tree in bulk doth make man better be; 

Or standing long an oak, three hundred year, 

To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere, 

A lily of a day is fairer in May 

Although it fall and die that night, 

It was the plant of flower and light, 

In small proportions we just beauties see; 

And in short measures, life may perfect be. 

The Critics' Advocate: Gates to heaven, anyone?

My words fly up, my thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts never to heaven go. - Shakespeare

 The poet only asks to get his head into the heavens. It is the logician who seeks to get the heavens into his head. And it is his head that splits. - Chesterton

From the persistence of noise comes the insistence of rage. From the emergence of tone comes the divergence of thought. From the enlightenment of music comes the wisdom of... silence. - Visions of Gregorian Chants

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth!

One need not be a chamber to be haunted; One need not be a house; The brain has corridors surpassing Material place. - Emily Dickinson

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.

I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

That's what college is for - getting as many bad decisions as possible out of the way before you're forced into the real world. I keep a checklist of 'em on the wall in my room.

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen.

And you think I would waste such a good day trying to study wretched EII? Naah!! Impossible.

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

Author's note: I just wasted some two hours  searching for good quotes and uploading these pictures. If you don't leave a comment... I'll haunt you forever with a dagger in my hand chanting "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen". 

Have fun.

Cheers! 

Introspection (tag)

I have been tagged by Prakhar, or rather I tagged myself. This was a sort of a suicidal tag. He had tagged the first 25 persons to comment on his post; I ended up being the first. Although I totally detest tags and have been conveniently ignoring every time I was tagged since a while, I have decided to go ahead with this one.


Rules –
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to link the person who tagged you.

Gosh! This is going to be one hell of a job.



1. The only reason I’m sitting here doing this tag is because I have turned into a sort of a recluse. I go to college sparingly. The last time I went to college was 17th February- a good 10 days ago. Most people know that I’m down with the flu, which is just part of the truth. I am obviously not going to blurt why I’m not going to college coz some people from my college read this blog and it would be good for them (and me) to stay blissfully unaware.

2. It has been more than a month since I wrote the first point and then never opened this document again. I’ve recommenced on this task coz I know if I don’t write now I would never be able to mention some of the things I’m planning to blurt out here.

3. I’m called pseudo-suicidal by some people (perhaps, most) and I know I am one. But it’s still ‘pseudo’ coz I’m a coward. I’ve tried to kill myself a hell lot of times but never succeeded. I’ve finally figured out the problem (much thanks to some people for their help) and it’s simple- I’m not at peace. My mind’s in a constant conflict. The day I’m at peace with myself and the decision, I’ll end it forever.

4. Only yesterday I had decided to NOT care about people, become anti-social and not go to college... Got a call this morning... Going to college ‘cause I have a packet of sutta in my bag which belongs to someone else and (god-dammit) I DO care!

5. I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Nice. I also know I’m a horrible talker. Conversations just don’t come naturally to me. I’m here to listen to everybody rant but keep my feelings to myself. But I’m trying hard to get more vocal about my feelings. (Well, this is precisely one of the reasons I’m still writing even though I know once I finish this tag I’ll be even more suicidal.)

6. I’ve been writing for half an hour and have come up with only 4 new points. Sadly, all of them sound similar.

7. Ah! I recalled a funny one. Since college started, I had a huge crush on this one guy. Yesterday, when I had had enough of everything I blurted it out to him. This person replies- “haan, wo to mujhe pata tha.” Damn him! Making life difficult for me! But I’m thankful for the fact the unlike other guys this one’s sensible. There’s nothing awkward between us, everything’s exactly as it was before I let him in on the secret. On any other day, I would have said that I’m glad to have such friends, but not today. Nope.

8. I was planning to ask my dad to teach me how to smoke today. But since, I’m going to college now; I think I’ll have to postpone the plan. I know I WILL start smoking and drinking some day and I also know that day isn’t too far.

9. I wish I could be the same person I was some 3 years ago- buried in her books, not a care in the world, no friends (and hence no backstabbers), never talked to anyone except herself... are wishes meant to come true?

10. Wow! I just had an argument with my mum. Nothing new about it except the fact that it’s only quarter past 8 in the morning. Result- the entire day is ruined already.

 11. Not many people know this but I’m a black belt in Karate.

12. And not many people know this but I’m also a trained Kathak dancer, a state-level swimmer (or rather used-to-be... I was selected to represent Delhi at the Nationals but then I got eye-flu and that was the end of my swimming carrier.), can skate pretty well. I’m also a self-trained vocalist (sounds better than ‘bathroom singer’, doesn’t it?).

13. I suffer from a major inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

14. I wish I had a house in some forest... far away from any civilization and close to nature.

15. Although I do paint sometimes I regret the fact that I can’t play any instrument.

16. There was just one person (the only one to do so) who loved me. Sadly, she left for her heavenly abode on 6th March, 2002. Since then... never mind. I’m not coming to the ‘since then’ part.

17. Sometimes, I wish my grandparents were alive. Although my nanaji (maternal grandfather) is still around, it’s as if he doesn’t exist. Some 7-8 years back when she (read 16) was still alive, he had decided to ‘boycott’ me for I was considered the ugly duckling (not in terms of looks, but behaviour and intelligence) of my family. He has come to regret the decision and wants reconciliation, but I can't forget or forgive him for what he'd done. 

18. In a (extended) family of some 27-30 cousins, 12 of whom are elder to me, I’m the only one to have entered a regular college. Everyone either dropped out after class 12th or got such low marks that they were left with no other option than to pursue a correspondence course.

19. I committed a huge mistake when I had taken up science in class 11th. By the time I realised this, it was too late. I slogged for two years, lost myself in the process but for some strange reason managed to pass. I still don’t believe in miracles, though.

20. I do not believe in coincidences either. They just don’t make sense to me.

21. I’m getting really late now, but I’ve promised myself that I’ll complete this.

22. I hate ***** for his one mistake. No matter how much I respect him, I can never forgive him.

23. I wished to make a difference in this world, but I’ve realised it is pointless.

24. I write only when I’m depressed and not otherwise. Considering I’m depressed most of the times, I write a lot but those writings are never posted here. Most of it is written to be forgotten.

25. I don’t think I have anything left to say now and my patience is running out. Besides, I’m getting late...
Author’s note: I won’t tag anyone. You want to do it? Go ahead.

Captive freedom

Remember the day
we kissed
and you lay bare
you heart?
I could see
right through it.
That little,
malicious thing,
Satan in disguise!
Oh! How it disgusted me...
To think
that I loved one
who knew not what love is!
I made another mistake,
I thought
I could teach you;
I assumed
you were willing to learn;
Little did I realise
that you didn't want
the soul
I was willing to part with
for you.
What you required
was the flesh and bone
that were of no consequence.
I gave it away...
My entire being
was at your disposal!
You were ecstatic,
over the moon.
Thought you had bought me
with all your gifts
and the (false) affection
you showered upon me.
Little did you realise
that the smile on my face
was cynical,
not supportive.
Little did you know
that you had not
secured  me for yourself,
but set me free
to discover the joys
of my new-found freedom!

To my friends... "Divine Interventions"

This untitled poem goes out to all my friends (and specifically, to one person who will figure out that this refers to him/her... so no need to mention the name!) who have been  with me through thick and thin.
Cheers to F.R.I.E.N.D.S.H.I.P.
I wish I could cry and let it all out,
But somehow, the tears have deserted me too,
And, as I sit here, silent, introspecting,
All I think of is you!

You came into my life when the world seemed blunt,
And brought with you a new verve,
And just when I had thought that all was over,
My life took a sharp swerve.

You infused in me a new confidence,
Made life worthwhile,
For you brought joy and happiness with you,
And taught me how to smile.

And now as I write this poem,
I think I’d show it to you,
For I feel God brought you to me,
Coz he knew I needed you.



May God bless you all, just as he blessed me with you.


P.S.- the poem is not untitled anymore. It is called "Divine Interventions". Much thanks to A!

PS2: Another very good friend and a fellow blogger recently pointed out that one of his posts was titled "Divine Interventions" as well... and since his name starts with an 'A', he is planning to sue me! (lol! naah.. he's a sweet soul.. m just kidding..). But yes, jokes apart, the credit goes to him- Here's a link to his post- Divine Interventions

Sometimes...

Sometimes,
When I say- Oh! I am fine!
I want someone 
To look me in the eyes
And say- tell the truth!

Sometimes,
When I say- I don’t care!
I want someone
To shake me up
And ask- What’s bothering you?

Sometimes,
When I say- I hate that guy!
I actually mean- 
I am hopelessly in love with him

Sometimes
When I say- I am not at all romantic,
All I mean is-
I hope someone loved me too

Sometimes,
When I sigh,
And say- Ok! I’ll do it!
I want you to understand-
I am human too!

Sometimes, 
When my insides are burning,
And yet there’s a smile on my face,
I just want you to 
Hold me close,
Hug me tight,
And say- it’ll be alright! 

LILAC DREAMS

The tears like pearls,
Fell from her amber eyes,
Her heart a million pieces,
Her wishes trodden
Her dreams shattered,
A dark future lay ahead.
She gazes at her own reflection,
Disheartened, yet sanguine,
A withering flower.
The howling wolves*,
And barking dogs,
Shatter the dense silence.
But, she’s away, far off,
In a land not yet conquered,
She wanders in deserts,
A lone soul, wondering
The depths of wonder itself,
From deserts to savannas,
Dusk to dawn,
Not crying anymore,
But searching the terrains.
For yes! She’s dreaming!
She dared to dream again!

*Copyright- Ampla Naidoo

...And then it ceased to exist

The grassland green,
A healthy sheen,
You, with her,
The blossoms wither.

The burning sun,
On me- a pun,
The feelings- condensed.
And darkness descends.

A solitary loon,
Beneath the moon,
Reminds me of myself,
(My heart on) The bottom-most shelf.

That last goodbye,
My tears run dry,
A lone bird,
The final word.

The ghostly strays,
She silently prays,
I watch and laugh,
(Snap) The twig in half.

And walk away.

_____________________________________________________________________

As i mentioned in the previous post, I was in no fit mental state to come up with anything productive. This is an all time low phase in my life and the last thing I intended was to write. But somehow, I ended up writing this poem which is in no way related to me or anybody I know for that matter (I hope that will put an end to all the crazy speculations). 

Feel free to interpret in any way you want to...

Magificence of Existence*

Veils of dark clouds,
Prevailing to blinding nights,
I dare not go.
Why should I?
Where howling wolves
Of lost distance
Nights rise.
Lies- evil with black tormented lives
With bloody red eyes
And liquid green skins.
With frowns of sadness
As if evil missed life themselves.
In that ecliptic night with twinkling stars they await me
With open eyes to end that dreadful life
That I live
Sandwiched between glass and steel and life itself,
I look into the height
Of the night
And see no Gods cry at my being,
But I see beauty,
Beauty of the dark night
With sparkling skies and shy moons
A question poses itself
Should I leave such beauty?
Beauty of the night,
Beauty of life itself
If worth ending it all,
Accepting the out-stretched arms of evil
No.
I shall live life like a knight
With no fear of the night,
Or of life itself.

* Donated by Ampla Naidoo to keep the blog alive as apparently I am in no fit mental state to write something.

Happy Birthday Kreation!!

A the title blatantly suggests, its Kreation's first anniversary today!
A year of blogging!
Memories!

It still seems the other day when I came across this guy's profile on orkut. He had included a link to his blog on his profile. I decided to give it a look... just out of curiosity. At that time, I wasn't even aware of the word 'blog'! I had to Google it to find out. Somehow, I liked this guy's blog... and decided to give it a shot myself. Initially, I made a blog on wordpress... and then.. forgot the password! (the quintessentially 'technically' challenged ME! What else could you expect?!)

Came across blogger.. dunno how.. liked it.. found it simple enough.. and that was when "kreation" came into being!

After a complete year of blogging, I had huge plans for my bloggie's bday. But as it turns out, somehow, i didn't even get the time to update it this morning. At 10 in the night.. here I am.. with so much to write and so little time!!

So, what I'm gonna do right now.. is.. well.. ill just include a few links here. Old posts.. either close to my heart.. or they got good reviews.. whatever might be the case..
For people who missed them somehow.. and for those who would like to re-read them.. you are welcome!

Awakening- My very first poem on this blog. In fact, initially I thought I'd call my blog "awakening".. but somehow.. it didn't fit.. and then... "kreation" happened!

The Beginning and End of it- This one's really close to my heart.. personal reasons! By the way, Thank you Nick. Remember.. you were the one who actually challenged me to write this?

The Daughter They Never Wanted- Inspired. Can't mention the source. But.. everything.. every single thing... that I mention in this.. is true!

आ रहा हूँ मौत मैं भी- My first Hindi poem on the blog.

The Kiss- :-P

What QMS taught me- A dedication to my dear school... and an insight into what it really stands for!

Dad- I wrote this one, composed it into a song.. and my dad still isn't aware that I wrote a song especially for him! :-(

Love- Defined - Feeling all lovey-dovey? check this out! no? still check it out.. this one got some really good reviews!

And more recently.. Incognito- Read it to know why it has been included here!

To all my readers, friends, foes, classmates, seniors, juniors (and what-nots!)... Thank you all for being here.. for your precious comments and valuable insights. I hope this bond strengthens further...

Incognito

At 8:20 a.m. on a Monday, the most hectic day in college, i find myself in 912 (which is thankfully DTC and not a blue line. Though it doesn't make much difference now.) sitting on the seat right before the conductor's. A genteel girl is standing nearby, definitely very uncomfortable (who wouldn't be if there were two pe****s rubbing against you ), yet bearing it all.

Her face speaks of an agony that stretches far beyond this bus-ride. A daughter's agony, whose father doesn't believe in her but has full-faith on her evidently useless brothers and everyday, she steps out the 'comfort' of the house into this big bad world which is chiefly plagued with predators; only to prove her father wrong. Only.

Her neatly manicured hands, nicely done hair and a carefully chosen pin-striped crisp cotton shirt with a vest screams that she is dying to be noticed- by you, by me, by her colleagues, her friends and the man of her dreams. Her dreamy eyes betray the solemn look on her face. They speak of dreams unheard of. Dreams of reaching such heights that its not expected, even atrocious, of her to even 'think' of them.

She doesn't tell you that she comes from a family which has difficulty in providing the basic comforts... no, not comforts... the basic needs; but the cuffs of her shirt, flared at ends and her jeans, torn... in a way that is certainly not 'fashionable' let you in on this secret.

Her dusky complexion, sharp features and a square jaw, possibly inherited from her father, exude certain exuberance, beauty. Beauty, that is not flamboyant or dumb but made even more charming by the asperities that she under-went.

She speaks... oh yes, she does!
She tries hard to sound disdainful and overbearing but there's an unmistakable hint of diffident modesty in her voice that she fails to conceal even after trying hard to sound reticent and withdrawn.

A blood red handkerchief in her hand speaks of a passion that she seems incapable of possessing, but nonetheless its an insight into the romantic that's buried deep inside her heart. She won't tell you how much she doted on a certain chocolate-boy- "OH! He's just okay."- but deep down she wishes to have a complete fairy-tale existence.

If there is one thing she is adept at, its ensconcing her wishes. Dreams are one thing, they wiggle out even if she doesn't want them too. There she has no control. But wishes- only she is aware of her wishes- no one else.
Not you.
Not me.

And she gets off.

BELIEF

Yes, I see,
But I don't believe,
I know it can't be true.

She isn't dead,
She will return,
For she promised that she would.


(P.S.- These lines are dedicated to the most special woman in my life. She left me 5 years back but i know she is still there, watching over me, and I can still hear her... calling out my name, telling me what to do and what not to, guiding me... forever.. she will be with me! Bless me 'dearest', because you blessings are all I need, that would be my salvation.)

(P.S.2- Comments have been disabled because for the first time in my life I don't want to know what you think of this particular 'kreation'.)

Thanks for visiting anyways. :)

DAD

Take me away
To the world of my dreams,
Please lead the way
You know what I mean,
Take me to heaven
Let me rest there,
Or just take me to hell
And let me pay.


For dreaming to be someone
That I could never be,
For doing things that you ne’er expected.
I know how hard
For you, it must have been.
Holding my hand like that
You always lead.


My guiding light,
My pillar of strength,
A shoulder to cry on,
A life-long friend,
And you make me glad,
Oh! I love you dad!

Promise me
That you’ll be near.
Don’t ever go
I hold you dear.
Take me with you
And set me free.
Or leave me back here
And let me be.


Open your eyes for once
And see the world around.
Please this time
Do what I say.
Just look at the colours
And radiance abound.
Please God, do grant this wish
Of mine, I pray.


Your benign love,
That warm embrace,
A pleasant smile,
On that charming face,
All that makes me glad,
Oh! I love you dad!

"Listen to the blackboard!!"

(This happened way back when I was in primary school. 4th standard.)


“Listen to the blackboard!" my maths teacher would call out to the class.
When I couldn’t handle it anymore, I asked her- "But how are we supposed to ‘listen’ to the blackboard, ma’am? It doesn’t say anything!"

“Oh yes. It does dear! This blackboard, the chairs, the tables are all soaked with knowledge. They speak to you, pass on the knowledge, only you should be interested enough to pay attention to them.”
“You have heard the birds chirping? Right?” she asked.

“Yes ma’am” I replied. Still perplexed.

“So, do you think that’s just a racket or does that chirping make any sense to you?” She questioned.

“Ummm… it seems they are singing, ma’am.” I replied hesitantly.

“Well, exactly the same way the sound of chalk on blackboard is also music to the ears, knowledge to the mind. Whenever a teacher writes something on the blackboard, pay attention. Listen with all your might. It seems to sing. Each and every word and syllable and even numeral has its own melody. They sing, they all sing!"
Once you’ve learnt to distinguish the melodies, let them seep into your head and heart and soul and won’t have to mug up another answer, never!

Since then, I’ve made it a point to ‘listen’ to the blackboard.

The teachers write, the letters sing and I listen…

The Daughter They Never Wanted

I am alive, my soul is dead,
There’s a terrible pain in my heart,
Rational thoughts evict my mind,
I wonder- “Where did it all start?”

Was it the day he left me?
For reasons he could not tell,
No, I knew this was coming,
It was something I did foretell.

Was it when I failed
That I became so disheartened?
No, I know this isn’t true,
Those were testing times from which I learnt.

Was it that day-
When I first did drugs?
No, I think not!
And I continue with a shrug.

Was it when I left home?
And vowed never to return,
After all, I’m an adventurous soul,
And I know that was just for fun.

Or was it when
My kid brother was born?
No, it couldn’t have been,
Though I was left forlorn.

Was it when as a little girl
I stole that pencil from a classmate?
I got a good thrashing later, but
That was just an indication of my fate.

No, no, these are trivial instances,
I know where exactly it all started.
It was the day ‘I’ was born-
The daughter they never wanted!

Yet they kept me, raised me,
In an environment full of tension.
Oh! Why they couldn’t understand?
All I needed was love and affection!

Money, freedom and luxuries of life,
Were things I always had.
A warm hug, a pat on the back
I missed; and that made me sad.

All the money couldn’t buy me
A simple, caring friend,
A sweet, loving family.
But it’ll get me to my end.

My hand’s bleeding profusely,
I guess the cut’s just enough,
Parting from a daughter they never wanted,
For my parents, won’t be tough.

I’ve heard that from up there
Simply exquisite is the view!
Look out for me, I’d shout from there
That- “Mum! I love you!”

LIFE

Life,
The way it got to be,
It can never be to me,
Oh life!
I can never be too sure,
If I really wanna see some more,
Of my life!

It pains me,
When I see you,
It pains me, yeah!
Even when I think of you,
It pains me even more
when you call me,
To apologize,
For what you never did!

Now,
Can you mend my broken heart?
Could it be a new start
Of my life?

I was wrong,
What happened was all my fault
So, don’t blame yourself,
And don’t claim my heart,
’Coz I lost it to you,
But since now we’re apart,
N no more each other’s better halves

But then,
I didn’t know what I was doing,
I didn’t know that it could ruin,
My life!

Wo-oh life!
The way it got to be,
It can never be to me,
My life!

No matter, if we’re apart,
Deep down in my heart,
You’ll always be with me,
’coz you’re my life!!

A ‘Unique’ Journey- From Cocksure to Simply Undaunted!

Excerpts from the autobiography of a troubled soul…




“There was a time when I used to be a very confident person, or, as some people ( read ‘parents and friends‘) would like to put it- rather overconfident. But I loved it! I loved every moment & cherish these moments till date . Though, because of my annoying ways I had few ( read ‘just 4’) friends and I kept irritating them to no end, they still stuck by my side and are among the very few people whom I truly worship.

But then I entered the 16th spring of my life, I entered my 11th class and *CRASH* came my confidence & shattered into a billion pieces in front my eyes as I stood & watched hopelessly. I never knew there were so many better scholars than me, I never knew our school had trained classical vocalists & musicians ( I was just a ‘bathroom singer’ for them, though personally I feel it’s a really useless term!) and I never knew that there were professional artistes, amazing writers and poets, national level swimmers &badminton players and above all - even more confident people around me!

I felt so small, so ashamed in front of them that I thought it better to leave my ‘uniqueness’ behind and merge with the crowd. So, with the flick of a wand ( Yep! I’m an HP fan!) I lost my identity completely.

One and a half year I spent as such when suddenly Alex came into my life. At that time I was as devoid of any self- confidence as Harry’s cauldron is devoid of any potion ( if it is even fit enough even to be called so!) after Snape’s brief spell of ‘Evanesco’. And out of the blue, he said he loved me!!
At first- I thought mine ears deceive me!
Second time- I thought it was a joke!
Third time- I laughed it off!
Fourth time- I thought it was a prank!
Fifth time- I thought it was a really bad lie! ( I mean who, in his right mind, can love an overweight, ugly, arrogant girl as me?!)
Sixth time- I felt pity for him. “This guy doesn’t know where he’s heading” I said.
Seventh time- ( He was a dear friend by now.) I tried to assure him its not love!
Eighth time- I got really frustrated and said yes!!

Now, started the real task. Actually I like Alex and believed what he said but the fact was that I didn’t have enough faith in myself. Then came the tough part- I knew I had to say no. I had to deny and reject his love for his own good! I felt he deserved a better person than me.
It was difficult ut in the end I managed it. Though, it left a little hole in my heart where he once lived. I thought it was just the pain of losing a dear friend that I was experiencing, didn’t understand that it was more than that!

With each passing day, I thought the pain would subside, rather, it grew, as did the hole in my heart. Then came the crashing blow- he said he was leaving the country for good(yes! I was still in touch with him). And that did it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I knew, I understood- it had been love all the while, and I poured my heart out to him. I cried, I apologized, went on with my excuses for behaving like I did and all he did was listen patiently and all he said in the end was- “ I love you! No matter how you look or behave, I love you for who you ARE!”

With a BANG, I was back on track. Back to where I rightly belonged. My self-esteem came soaring back, and I got rid of all the faceless masks, nameless identities and false pretences that I had put up.
I welcomed myself back!’

I did not write this for some ‘personality development’, ‘gaining self-confidence’ or ‘self-esteem building’ seminar. I wrote it for myself. A third person’s love for me made me love myself all over again.

Neglecting you faults and shortcomings and running away from adversities is easy, very easy. But accepting them and moving on with as what you are makes you better with each passing day. My best friend once said to me- “Kate, there are two ways of attaining the same goal- one is easier, shorter; the other is- right!.” Choose what you want, but remember- the easy and shorter route might give you all the success in a short span, but it would never give you the satisfaction of being right, just and truthful. There will always be a huge guilt over your head burdening you more and more with each passing day.

A third person’s love in me made me love myself all over again. I chose what was right, though I had nearly lost the opportunity but I was lucky, and I managed. Merely copying others and doing what your peers do is not at all difficult. Difficult is standing out in a crowd. Speaking up for what you believe in and doing what your conscience tells you to. But once you achieve this seemingly impossible goal, you would be so content, so much at peace with yourself that no goal would be impossible anymore, no journey too difficult, no destination too far.
Good luck for your life ahead.
Lovingly yours
Forever
KATE

The Beginning And End Of.....

The day I met him, touched him;
Felt him inside my head all the time,
I knew as soon as I saw that angel,
That he were meant to be just mine!


Those brown, dancing eyes;
A fire glowed in them,
Their gaze so intense,
It just left me overwhelmed!


That dark, shiny hair;
An unkempt mess of curls,
Oh! How I wished to run my hand through them,
And let the mystery unfurl!


Those red, luscious lips;
A full bloomed rose they resembled,
I only dreamt to kiss them,
But when I tried I trembled!


That powerful yet sweet baritone;
When he spoke he seemed to sing,
And so mesmerizing it would be,
The rest of the world would reduce to nothing!

That cute, infecting smile;
That he would bestow on me so sheepishly,
I’d be lost in its magic,
Instantly reaching out to him so foolishly!

That robust, muscular body;
Any girl would want to embrace,
A hint of that strange musky smell…
NOW ALL SEEMS SO OUT OF PLACE!!


YES! He was in love with someone else,
And I just couldn’t see,
So blind I was in his love that,
The truth seemed too far from me!


So depressed, so hollow, so sad,
So blue, so dejected, so lost;
I had just let go of the person
I had loved the most!

The last thing I know,
I stood in front of the mirror,
A single tear rolled down my right cheek,

As I pulled the trigger!

To Sir.. with 'Love'..

Since time immemorial,
Real, unreal;
You have been inspiring,
Forgiving, forgetting;
Instilling, in us,
A new confidence!!

You believed in us
When no one else did;
Even if u didn’t,
At least you said you did.
Then why? Pray, why?
You didn’t give us a chance?

You were superficial,
Hearing, not listening,
You taught us, no doubt…
But that was no teaching.
Always, we felt, you acted,
You acted, as if in a trance!

But no matter how indifferent
You were; we were sure.
All we needed was a cause;
A cause, a reason, so pure;
And you provided us with the sense,
To break free and jump over the fence!

“Life is difficult”, you said.
“Full of trials”, you said.
We believed! This left an impact;
An impact that etched
Across our minds, and we knew…
We didn’t have to wait for a chance!

“It was time! “, we decided,
To break free from your shingles,
Because, we knew that if we didn’t,
We would never be able to mingle.
Your world was drastically different from ours!
That’s why what we said never made any sense!

But today, all is different.
We have proved our worth,
And here we stand before you,
Your eyes lack that look of no mirth.
A smile cracks upon your face,
As you break into a dance!!

Awakening

It was an ordinary day,
The sun rose,
Just as beautiful as it always does,
I sat down to describe its beauty,
Its warmth, its splendor,
I felt it was my duty.
I could hear the birds chirping,
I could hear their sweet twittering,
There were those huge oak branches swaying,
As if dancing,
And the leaves rustling,
To the soft melody,
Of the gentle breeze.
Yes! It was just another ordinary day,
And as always there were the chirping birds,
But as I sat down to write,
I felt,
As if I had no words!!

What had happened?
All of a sudden!!
How could I lose my ability?
When all my life I’ve been writing poetry.
What had happened?
I could not understand!
So confused, so muddled,
My mind just wouldn’t apprehend!
And there I was,
Lost in my sea of thoughts,
Yet couldn’t produce a single word on paper.

But one thing I knew for sure
My mind was right, my heart- pure.
What was amiss?
I knew not.
But, I knew I had to find the reason,
And fast. Else it’ll be too late.
I threw my pen and cursed my fate!
Yet! Ah my life with its sorrows abound,
Poetry was where solace I found!
Now that was gone too -Oh God!
I need your help, My Lord!

I set to a hard day’s work,
Crossing many dangers,
Asking every stranger.
It was a long, tiresome task,
But I noticed something really strange-
Each man wore a different mask,
Different from its own identity.
“Was it some kind of enmity-?”
I questioned myself,
“From their own soul and self? “
Which led them to live such a life?
They weren’t free- rather scared.
Asi f there were this huge knife,
somewhere close by, waiting to slice off their head,
While they waited and waited.
“Is this life all about?” I thought.
If yes, then I felt I was blessed.
I was free, I was careless
Of that I was sure.
And I started my journey back home.
Yet there was sorrow, and a piercing pain.
After all, what I had lost,
Was precious, not mundane.
The more I thought about it,
The more I seemed to regret.
What had happened was not my fault,
Yet I couldn’t forget.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself,
But this time I got no reply.

As I was returning,
Walking in the rain to hide my tears,
I saw this innocent face,
Which knew nothing but fears.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself yet again
And this time I got my answer-
‘Life, in itself, is one great pain”
All of a sudden, my words returned to me!
But this time,
I won’t waste them on things mundane,
I have a purpose now,
I am aimless no more,
Just one different day changed my life,
Made me see huger and strife,
Pain and loss, and anguish of the soul,
But- no more!
But- no more!