Introspection (tag)

I have been tagged by Prakhar, or rather I tagged myself. This was a sort of a suicidal tag. He had tagged the first 25 persons to comment on his post; I ended up being the first. Although I totally detest tags and have been conveniently ignoring every time I was tagged since a while, I have decided to go ahead with this one.

Rules –
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
You have to link the person who tagged you.

Gosh! This is going to be one hell of a job.

1. The only reason I’m sitting here doing this tag is because I have turned into a sort of a recluse. I go to college sparingly. The last time I went to college was 17th February- a good 10 days ago. Most people know that I’m down with the flu, which is just part of the truth. I am obviously not going to blurt why I’m not going to college coz some people from my college read this blog and it would be good for them (and me) to stay blissfully unaware.

2. It has been more than a month since I wrote the first point and then never opened this document again. I’ve recommenced on this task coz I know if I don’t write now I would never be able to mention some of the things I’m planning to blurt out here.

3. I’m called pseudo-suicidal by some people (perhaps, most) and I know I am one. But it’s still ‘pseudo’ coz I’m a coward. I’ve tried to kill myself a hell lot of times but never succeeded. I’ve finally figured out the problem (much thanks to some people for their help) and it’s simple- I’m not at peace. My mind’s in a constant conflict. The day I’m at peace with myself and the decision, I’ll end it forever.

4. Only yesterday I had decided to NOT care about people, become anti-social and not go to college... Got a call this morning... Going to college ‘cause I have a packet of sutta in my bag which belongs to someone else and (god-dammit) I DO care!

5. I’ve been told I’m a good listener. Nice. I also know I’m a horrible talker. Conversations just don’t come naturally to me. I’m here to listen to everybody rant but keep my feelings to myself. But I’m trying hard to get more vocal about my feelings. (Well, this is precisely one of the reasons I’m still writing even though I know once I finish this tag I’ll be even more suicidal.)

6. I’ve been writing for half an hour and have come up with only 4 new points. Sadly, all of them sound similar.

7. Ah! I recalled a funny one. Since college started, I had a huge crush on this one guy. Yesterday, when I had had enough of everything I blurted it out to him. This person replies- “haan, wo to mujhe pata tha.” Damn him! Making life difficult for me! But I’m thankful for the fact the unlike other guys this one’s sensible. There’s nothing awkward between us, everything’s exactly as it was before I let him in on the secret. On any other day, I would have said that I’m glad to have such friends, but not today. Nope.

8. I was planning to ask my dad to teach me how to smoke today. But since, I’m going to college now; I think I’ll have to postpone the plan. I know I WILL start smoking and drinking some day and I also know that day isn’t too far.

9. I wish I could be the same person I was some 3 years ago- buried in her books, not a care in the world, no friends (and hence no backstabbers), never talked to anyone except herself... are wishes meant to come true?

10. Wow! I just had an argument with my mum. Nothing new about it except the fact that it’s only quarter past 8 in the morning. Result- the entire day is ruined already.

 11. Not many people know this but I’m a black belt in Karate.

12. And not many people know this but I’m also a trained Kathak dancer, a state-level swimmer (or rather used-to-be... I was selected to represent Delhi at the Nationals but then I got eye-flu and that was the end of my swimming carrier.), can skate pretty well. I’m also a self-trained vocalist (sounds better than ‘bathroom singer’, doesn’t it?).

13. I suffer from a major inferiority complex and low self-esteem.

14. I wish I had a house in some forest... far away from any civilization and close to nature.

15. Although I do paint sometimes I regret the fact that I can’t play any instrument.

16. There was just one person (the only one to do so) who loved me. Sadly, she left for her heavenly abode on 6th March, 2002. Since then... never mind. I’m not coming to the ‘since then’ part.

17. Sometimes, I wish my grandparents were alive. Although my nanaji (maternal grandfather) is still around, it’s as if he doesn’t exist. Some 7-8 years back when she (read 16) was still alive, he had decided to ‘boycott’ me for I was considered the ugly duckling (not in terms of looks, but behaviour and intelligence) of my family. He has come to regret the decision and wants reconciliation, but I can't forget or forgive him for what he'd done. 

18. In a (extended) family of some 27-30 cousins, 12 of whom are elder to me, I’m the only one to have entered a regular college. Everyone either dropped out after class 12th or got such low marks that they were left with no other option than to pursue a correspondence course.

19. I committed a huge mistake when I had taken up science in class 11th. By the time I realised this, it was too late. I slogged for two years, lost myself in the process but for some strange reason managed to pass. I still don’t believe in miracles, though.

20. I do not believe in coincidences either. They just don’t make sense to me.

21. I’m getting really late now, but I’ve promised myself that I’ll complete this.

22. I hate ***** for his one mistake. No matter how much I respect him, I can never forgive him.

23. I wished to make a difference in this world, but I’ve realised it is pointless.

24. I write only when I’m depressed and not otherwise. Considering I’m depressed most of the times, I write a lot but those writings are never posted here. Most of it is written to be forgotten.

25. I don’t think I have anything left to say now and my patience is running out. Besides, I’m getting late...
Author’s note: I won’t tag anyone. You want to do it? Go ahead.


Little Girl Lost said...

please don't kill yourself, i'll really really miss your blog :)

you are obviously having a bad day, week, month, year... whenever its ober i hope you write 25 other stuff about yourself :)

i had been tagged too... this really seems to be going arounf. do read mine...

Creation said...

I'll find another pseudo-suicidal person to continue this blog.
And well... I've been having a bad life. This of course won't get over. As for the other 25 stuff... I was plannng to write it, yes.

Will sure read your blog.

Aniket said...

# 7: Had such a day 3 years back. Still aches.

# 11: Bhol-chook-leni-deni muaf please! I was just joking in earlier comments!

# 14: I want a secluded home by the river side.

# 15: Its never too late to start. I picked up Guitar after the dreams shattered too. Best decision I ever made. Kept me occupied and I so love to play it now!

And we are back to 3... it seems you were never joking. And am sure many friends of yours would have tried to talk you out of this. And since I don't know you I know its not my place to say anything... but all I want to tell you is that once my sis had just SAID that she'll commit suicide over a heated discussion... and I can't explain the horrors that went in my head in the coming days.

Its easy to die... but living takes effort. And if there's anyone... even a single someone who cares about you... I suggest make an effort for his/her sake... the rest will follow.

Take care... and sorry if I have overstepped a bit here.

Creation said...

@ Aniket

I wish I could say something, anything else... but I lack words.

Thank you.