Excerpts from the autobiography of a troubled soul…
“There was a time when I used to be a very confident person, or, as some people ( read ‘parents and friends‘) would like to put it- rather overconfident. But I loved it! I loved every moment & cherish these moments till date . Though, because of my annoying ways I had few ( read ‘just 4’) friends and I kept irritating them to no end, they still stuck by my side and are among the very few people whom I truly worship.
But then I entered the 16th spring of my life, I entered my 11th class and *CRASH* came my confidence & shattered into a billion pieces in front my eyes as I stood & watched hopelessly. I never knew there were so many better scholars than me, I never knew our school had trained classical vocalists & musicians ( I was just a ‘bathroom singer’ for them, though personally I feel it’s a really useless term!) and I never knew that there were professional artistes, amazing writers and poets, national level swimmers &badminton players and above all - even more confident people around me!
I felt so small, so ashamed in front of them that I thought it better to leave my ‘uniqueness’ behind and merge with the crowd. So, with the flick of a wand ( Yep! I’m an HP fan!) I lost my identity completely.
One and a half year I spent as such when suddenly Alex came into my life. At that time I was as devoid of any self- confidence as Harry’s cauldron is devoid of any potion ( if it is even fit enough even to be called so!) after Snape’s brief spell of ‘Evanesco’. And out of the blue, he said he loved me!!
At first- I thought mine ears deceive me!
Second time- I thought it was a joke!
Third time- I laughed it off!
Fourth time- I thought it was a prank!
Fifth time- I thought it was a really bad lie! ( I mean who, in his right mind, can love an overweight, ugly, arrogant girl as me?!)
Sixth time- I felt pity for him. “This guy doesn’t know where he’s heading” I said.
Seventh time- ( He was a dear friend by now.) I tried to assure him its not love!
Eighth time- I got really frustrated and said yes!!
Now, started the real task. Actually I like Alex and believed what he said but the fact was that I didn’t have enough faith in myself. Then came the tough part- I knew I had to say no. I had to deny and reject his love for his own good! I felt he deserved a better person than me.
It was difficult ut in the end I managed it. Though, it left a little hole in my heart where he once lived. I thought it was just the pain of losing a dear friend that I was experiencing, didn’t understand that it was more than that!
With each passing day, I thought the pain would subside, rather, it grew, as did the hole in my heart. Then came the crashing blow- he said he was leaving the country for good(yes! I was still in touch with him). And that did it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I knew, I understood- it had been love all the while, and I poured my heart out to him. I cried, I apologized, went on with my excuses for behaving like I did and all he did was listen patiently and all he said in the end was- “ I love you! No matter how you look or behave, I love you for who you ARE!”
With a BANG, I was back on track. Back to where I rightly belonged. My self-esteem came soaring back, and I got rid of all the faceless masks, nameless identities and false pretences that I had put up.
I welcomed myself back!’
I did not write this for some ‘personality development’, ‘gaining self-confidence’ or ‘self-esteem building’ seminar. I wrote it for myself. A third person’s love for me made me love myself all over again.
Neglecting you faults and shortcomings and running away from adversities is easy, very easy. But accepting them and moving on with as what you are makes you better with each passing day. My best friend once said to me- “Kate, there are two ways of attaining the same goal- one is easier, shorter; the other is- right!.” Choose what you want, but remember- the easy and shorter route might give you all the success in a short span, but it would never give you the satisfaction of being right, just and truthful. There will always be a huge guilt over your head burdening you more and more with each passing day.
A third person’s love in me made me love myself all over again. I chose what was right, though I had nearly lost the opportunity but I was lucky, and I managed. Merely copying others and doing what your peers do is not at all difficult. Difficult is standing out in a crowd. Speaking up for what you believe in and doing what your conscience tells you to. But once you achieve this seemingly impossible goal, you would be so content, so much at peace with yourself that no goal would be impossible anymore, no journey too difficult, no destination too far.
Good luck for your life ahead.