Tagged By Myself!!!

Having gone through the questionnaire at least 13 times, I have finally mustered up the courage to actually start answering them. ‘courage’ because there are some questions that I don’t feel like answering but since I was born with an ‘I must not tell lies’ stamp on my forehead, and being someone who isn’t afraid to speak her mind without even once paying heed to what the consequences might turn out to be, I have finally started off. Moreover, yes, ‘courage’ also because when it comes to typing… I am a slouch (not that I am not one otherwise, but when it comes to typing, then my sluggishness knows no bounds). Keeping this in mind, I will tell you exactly when I start and finish off this tag, because, it might take days or even a few years to complete it!
And if I keep going on with this rubbish, then I might not finish it at all, and I don’t want to keep my readers (if there are any!) awaiting.
And I’m off…. (By the way, today is 31st October 2007)

Smoked a cigarette? Ok. Now, this one isn’t too tough. The answer is no. At least not if you leave out passive smoking. If that counts too, then, you may as well call me a chain smoker because my dad’s one and I’m constantly inhaling the smoke. (Though, now he’s understood that he shouldn’t do so at home, at least not when Kalrav is around. How that happened is also an interesting anecdote…. Well, as usual, he was smoking one day when Kalrav asked him if he could try it too. And obviously (anyone thinking otherwise is a moron) he was reprimanded. To which my dear brother replied- “agar aap pi sakte ho to main bhi! Mat do, main khud pi lunga!” (n he’s only six! Imagine that!). So, that was a lesson well learnt for dad.)
So, half an hour gone by, and I’ve just answered one question. Kewl!!!

Crashed a friend’s car?: don’t even know how to drive, let alone crash a car… waise… Do bikes count???

Stolen a car?: will someone please tell me why I would do that (or rather, how I would do that) when I can’t even drive!!!!

Been in love?: hehe… ye to bhagwaan khud hi bata sakta hai… go ask him…

Been dumped?: Naah… n I hope not either…

Shoplifted?: well, I don’t know why I can’t remember any such incident, but I’m sure I must’ve done so sometime coz well… I am no noble soul… hehehe *smirking*

Been in a fist fight?: loads of times, with Kalrav it’s a daily ritual. Before that we held special wrestling competitions (by ‘we’ here, I mean, me n my cousins, (n by the way, I used to be the only girl involved))
N yeahh well.. We had this terrible fight in our karate class when I was like 10-11 yr old… though I don’t quite remember why it started off.. However, what I do remember is that it turned out to be quite nasty and I got a good thrashing at home (even though I was hurt! Humph!!!!) coz I had (apparently) broken the boy’s nose.
All in all, I guess, I’m ‘quite’ a ‘violent creature’ *evil grin*

Snuck out of your parent’s house?: No, unless you count late night visits to the terrace without informing them.

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?: ohh well.. Well well well.. This was ‘tough’ one I was talking about. Well, the person-in-question himself is not too net savvy but some of his friends are, and they might come across this and tell him. Well, ab jo hoga, so hoga!
The answer is yes! I had a huge crush on a neighbor when I was in 7th and it lasted for 3 yrs. and he never came to know though we met nearly everyday.
“And by the way, if you (my crush) ever come across this, then I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you because if it wouldn’t have been for you then I would have never given my 10th board exams. (long story, not worth telling to my readers) “

Been arrested?: haan haan! Jail se hi to likh rahi hu, ala Gandhi!
Of course not!!

Gone on a blind date?: Haven’t yet gone on any date whatsoever!

Skipped school?: so many times, do saal se wohi to kar rahi hu!

Been on a plane?: no, not yet!

Seen someone die?: yes. My brother. The scene left such an imprint , it still gives me shudders when I remember that night!!

Been to Canada?: what the hell is this question doing here???

Purposely set a part of yourself on fire?: yeah! I bet with my friend that I can keep my hand on the flame longer than he can, and then, we both ended up burning our hands!!

Been jet-skiing?: No. want to!!!

Met someone in person from the Internet?: not yet, but planning to.

Taken pain killers?: yeahh, recently! I won’t recall the whole incident as I’ve already answered this question in another tag.

Flown a kite?: yes and no. o\On my own, I couldn’t make it rise at all. But when my brothers gave me an already -in-the-air kite, then I could fly it with ease!

Built a sand castle?: It was more like ’soil’ castle. Never been to a beach, so jo banaya that was in my garden!

Gone puddle jumping?: oh yes! Yes! Yes! And such fun it was!!

Cheated while playing a game?: hmm.. Though I don’t like doing so, but when I was 9 or 10 and we used to play hide n seek, I did!

Been lonely?: I prefer being lonely. Leave me alone, and I’m happy!

Fallen asleep at work or school/college?: yeah! In my maths class at school and in biology class at my institute.

Used a fake ID?: yeah. I remember, just once I guess. That was in Bal Bhawan and I used it so that I could go on a trip for which I was legally not allowed being underage!

Felt an earthquake?: 3 times. The first one I felt was a strong one, the one that hit Chamoli in 1999. I remember I was watching ‘dil se’ (horrible movie, amazing music) and I felt the bed shaking and I actually hit my mum n told her to stop doing that! Thankfully, she was sleeping soundly, so I got off with it!! hehe.
Second time, we were in class, ghar ja ke pata chala it was a mild earthquake.
And the third time… gawd!!! That was hilarious!! This very year, the day after HP7 was released, I slept late at night after I completed the book and there some scenes where voldemort talked through the walls of Hogwarts. And well, when the earthquake struck in the wee hours, and my bed shook, I literally woke up and told voldemort to stop using my bed as a microphone and shut up! And I know this, coz my mother was there and she watched that! Imagine how ridiculous it would’ve been!

Touched a snake?: stomped on one (bare feet), while strolling through the fields in my village. Then, ran the complete three kms. to my place and to my horror- my cousin, who had seen what had happened came after me carrying that snake(apparently, it was harmless) and kept scaring me for the rest of my stay there! (4 days to be precise)

Slept beneath the stars?: many times, whenever I visit my native place.

Been robbed?: not exactly.

Been misunderstood?: haven’t yet been understood once! (except by my best friend, cheena)

Won a contest?: hmmm.. Some inter-school quizzes and debates, a few singing competitions, a karate duel, a swimming competition and was in the winning team of the best pyramid (gymnastics) (pata hai, mujhe dekh ke aisa lagta nahi hai, but its true! Seriously!)

Run a red light/stop sign?: will you stop reminding me I cant drive! heyy, wait a min. I did that!! It isn’t necessary to drive a car! I was driving a bike!

Been suspended from school?: yes! Yes! Yes! ohh.. I love this one… I got suspended this very year only…
Hmmm.. me n a bunch of friends gave wrong addresses on our i-cards... (for eg. I wrote.. no. 12 Grimmauld place, London).. n went about wearing those for 2 months.. nobody caught us!...but then.. there was an idiot in another class.. who wrote 'harry potter' in the place of her name.. n obviously.. she got caught!!n our princi.. knowing very well that it could not have been her idea, and there had to be some other mastermind behind it, got a thorough checking done.. yet v managed to stay out of trouble.. (don’t ask me how, that’s highly classified top secret!!!)But then, determined as she was to catch the 'ghapla masters'(that’s the name we were rechristened with after the whole episode).. so she ordered the photographer to get the original slips.. the ones v filled.. n once she got them.. well.. as they say.. 'bhanda phoot gaya'..v were suspended for a week.. n it was soooo much fun!!!
N the cause... Well, it was the 'lack' of discipline!!n besides.. the urge to do something which we'll remember for life!!n my dad, in spite of being a vice principal himself, was cool bout it..n when my princi called him.. he told her that "u r not punishing the students.. u just giving them a gift they'll be only too happy to receive!!.. u should be thankful to them.. coz they brought out such a huge flaw in your administration!!"....imagine that!! that really p***ed off my princi!! hehehe...

Been in a car accident?: no, I guess not.

Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night? I don’t quite fancy ice-cream that much!

Walked the streets drunk?: planning to.

Had déjà vu?: so many times!

Danced in the moonlight?: yeahh, once when I went to my bua’s place. We cousins danced through the night. Wo bhi kya din the!!

Witnessed a crime?: yeah. Chain-snatching.

Been obsessed with post-it notes?: no

Squished barefoot through the mud?: yup!! Loved it!!

Been lost?: no… don’t remember.

Been on the opposite side of the country?: havnt been further than Ahmadabad!!

Swum in the ocean?: no

Cried yourself to sleep?: many times

Played cops and robbers?: obviously1 I guess, everybody would have done that during their childhood.

Recently colored with crayons?: .yeahh… for Kalrav’s homework. His drawing is horrible!

Sung karaoke?: . keep doing that every time!

Paid for a meal with only coins?: yup!

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?: yeah. Recently I promised myself that I wouldn’t talk to someone, after a pretty serious misunderstanding, but ended up reconciling with him/her.

Made prank phone calls?: oh yes!! I had completely forgotten this one!!
Yes yes! When I was in 6th or 7th... my friend came to my place.. n then we called up her brother... (we knew he was alone at that time) n told him in scary voices that the police is coming to arrest him (he was the same age as us) and then kept calling again n again.. till he got really scared..!!

Caught a snow flake on your tongue?: nopes

Written a letter to Santa Claus?: yes!!!!!! Though I don’t remember what I wrote!!

Blown bubbles?: yes ! Everyone must have done that!

Bonfire on the beach?: bonfire… yes. On the beach… no! well, the story goes like this… I went on an NCC trip to Rajasthan. While returning, me and a bunch of friends decided to deviate from the group so that we could do a li’l bit of shopping (girls! What else do you expect!!). So, there we were… shopping and enjoying while everybody else was wondering where we were… and finally when we reached the hotel a good hour and a half late by the scheduled time, everybody was damn worried and furious! So, we got this ‘little’ punishment… we were not allowed to enter the hotel before midnight, and had to spend a few hours outside in the chilly winds (well, it was 25th of December and Mount Abu can get really frosty!) n if it hadn’t been for the bonfire we would’ve died of hypothermia!

Cheated on a test?: yeah.. Was studying for a test in insti and had an exam the next day in school… desperate measures…

Gone skinny-dipping in a pool?: nope!

Now, today is 8th of November, 2007. So, that means, I completed this in 9 days. Not that bad! could’ve been worse!

P.S.:N plzz.. This time.. My frnz… comment here itself! Not on orkut!
P.S. 2: this tag was awessomme!!! well, nobody tagged me for this one... n wen my patience ran out.. i decided to do it myself!!

tagged by aru. (my first tag)

Ahh… well… my first tag!!!
I hope it goes well…

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.

Well… now who wouldn't want a lightning bolt scar (yup!! m talking to you aru!)
Any ways, coming back to my own, I have got so many that I’ve lost count now. But there’s one that’s special- it’s on my right leg and I got it when I first drove a bike. Didn't know where the silencer was, so got burnt! ( n Yup!! I can drive a bike! Don’t believe me?? Go, wash your face and read this again- I CAN DRIVE A BIKE!!!)
And, by the way, that particular bike which gave me this nut size burn mark [ Actually it looks like an eclipsed sun to me, but then, it would be stretching my imagination too far and you probably would think that I’m a narcissist which I’m not! (See how innocently I’ve included that part without even being called a narcissist! (Hehehe))] is a black pulsar dtsi!! But sadly, it’s no more. My cousin (it was his bike) decided to jump a ditch one night (I guess, he had got a shot of adrenaline) and sadly fell into it (that was obvious!! Considering, the ditch was 15 feet wide and he‘s no professional stunt biker!). He survived with 12 stitches on his forehead but the bike could not endure the 20 feet head-on nose dive and was shattered beyond belief. May you rest in peace!
(And I guess, if this is how I’m going to proceed then I’d better drop the idea of doing this tag right now because in the past 17 minutes I’ve written just 1 answer! Shame on me!!)

2. What does your phone look like?

It isn’t even worth of being looked at! It’s a white and blue nokia 1110 (I call it the ‘baba aadam ke zamane ka cell’). But I had to make do with this one coz I broke my previous one (which was a total beauty! All black, chrome finish, VOQ Sierra A10. It was a Smartphone, equipped with Windows Mobile 2003 and a complete QWERTY thumb pad!)

3. What is on the walls of your bedroom?

Presently, an ancient looking (that’s because it’s got tons of dirt on it, which I haven’t had the time to wipe out due to my ‘busy’ schedule. lol. And I guess, I wouldn’t, it looks better this way.) wooden head which I got from Ahmedabad 8 years back, a self made painting which I’ve put up only to hide the ‘modern art’ my kid brother once made, (Coming to think of it now, I guess, his ‘work’ is better than mine, so ill remove that painting.), the usual ‘do not disturb’, ‘enter at your own risk’ and ‘rules to be followed in my room’ posters on the door. I asked my Pop to get me a bulletin board, but he ignored it so I put up some of my art works and a collage of my pics on my cupboard itself!

4. What is your current desktop picture?

Its portrait of a beautiful lady. It has a calm, serene feel about it. I've put it up at the top of this post.

5. Do you believe in gay marriage?

I believe in and I totally support it too. Having been in an all girl’s school and seeing lesbian couples (classmates, don’t ask me ‘who?’ I wont tell you!), I don’t think there’s anything wrong or ‘disgusting’ (as some people like to believe) about it.
It’s oh-so-normal!

6. What do you want more than anything right now?

I want to sleep and then wake up to find that I have given my boards already, got the result and have even got admission in my favorite course and college. Too much? That’s how I am!

7. Are your parents still together?

Yes!!

8. Last person who made you cry?

It was a movie, and not an emotional one. Rather, an animation film ( Ice Age 2), and those were tears of joy.
Normally, I can’t cry. When I’m distraught, I end up writing a poem, and venting out my anger on someone (or something) completely innocent and unaware. I’m sorry to all those who’ve borne the brunt of my anger. But (again) that’s how I am!!

9. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?

None. I like the bottles better than the perfume itself. Besides, they are hell expensive too. But, there’s this one called ‘magnet’ which my dad got from somewhere for himself without even checking that it was a ladies’ perfume (Hehe. Poppy, tuhadda kujh ni ho sakda!). It’s nice, so that’s what I’m using these days.

10. What are you listening to?

C21’s ‘Stuck in my Heart’

11. Do you get scared of the dark?

No, rather, it fascinates me. But that’s outdoors, if I’m inside, then,- yes! I do get scared, and that’s because I have a mild case of claustrophobia.

12. Do you like pain killers?

Like?? Now what kind of a question is that? If its necessary, I take it. Simple. Recently, I had this terrible toothache and I ended up having 15 combiflams(500mg) and then slept for 18 hrs. straight!

13. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Hell, yes!!

14. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?

French Fries!! Anytime, anywhere!! I just love ’em!!

15. Who was the last person who made you mad?

It has to be Kalrav, my kid brother, who else?? Sometimes I feel he has done a diploma course in ‘how to piss off your elder sister’.

16. Who was the last person who made you smile?

Has to be Kalrav, again! He’s a complete joker n a real sweetie too!

17. Is someone in love with you?
Haaiii.. This one’s best answered by the song I’m listening to right now-
“aankhon se tu door hai,
dhadkano ke paas hai,
Teri har yaadein sanam,
kehte hain kha ke hum kasam,
bankar labon pe pyaas hai.

Tagging on: ashish (since u don't 'feel' like writing anything new, so u betr do this tag now that uve been tagged twice. also ayush (ur first tag too.. hmmm...).. the others hav all been tagged.. so wont put up their names..

happy tagging

आ रहा हूँ मौत मैं भी!

ahh.. wel.. my first hindi poem on the blog.. n the second one ive evr written(first one was written in 7th class.. n is utter rubbish!!)..
i wud sure love some cmnts on this one....


बस धुंधलके की लहर में,
जा रहा था मैं सहर सा,
शाम की गुमसुम हवा में,
मौत के अदभुत कहर सा!

ये बुढापा यों ढाला था,
रात ढलती है कि जैसे,
ठंड में सिमटी हुई वो,
आह भरती है कि जैसे!

खून से लथपथ सिपाही,
जान कि बाजी लगा दे,
आ रहा हूँ मौत मैं भी,
गोद में अपनी पनाह दे!

वल्द से बिछ्दी हुई इक,
माँ की उस सूनी नज़र से,
देखता हूँ खुद की इन,
पर्छाइयो को मैं भी ऐसे!

उस कृषक के धू-धू करते,
राख बनते, खेत दिखते,
'वो' उसके खूं से ही उसी की,
मौत का पैगाम लिखते!

ऐसे ही कुछ, इस तरह से,
मेरे सपने भी जला दे,
आ रहा हूँ मौत मैं भी,
गोद में अपनी पनाह दे!

Never Shy Once Bitten....

well, this is one of my poems that i cud not undrstand myself.. if someone does.. plz take out a bit of time to xplain it to me..


Somewhere deep inside me,
An innocent little girl resides,
A visionary, she’s aspiring to spread
Her wings far and wide,
Dreams big, yet content with what she has,
By her morals and ethics she abides.

Somewhere deep inside me
Cryptic, concealed she stays,
Living in an illusion,
Gaining strength from sun’s rays,
Prod her, you’ll regret it,
She’s an enigma, a blaze!

Somewhere deep inside me,
In the vast ocean of imagination she swims,
Producing a distinct world altogether,
With her illicit fancies and whims,
She lies, hoodwinks and deceives,
Living life just on the brim!

Somewhere deep inside me
A devil with alien, exotic desires,
Try to understand her, you wouldn’t,
She’s the naked truth, a strong satire,
Odious, obnoxious. She’s offensive.
Devastating her foes is what she desires!

Somewhere deep inside me
Is the dark truth hidden,
Each word embedded in my mind
With bloody memories its written,
You say- “once bitten, twice shy”,
I say- “never shy once bitten”

all's well that ends well..

ahh.. ..well.. luks lyk i wont delete my blog aftr all..
there WERE some misconceptions that got cleared...
so no panga now..
thnx a lot to all those.. (ok.. there were just 3!!! du uh!!..) who felt that i shudnt delete it...
n for the others.. I DID NOT XPECT THIS..!!! 'sob'
chal koi nai yaara.. as i said.. 'all's well that ends well'..
sab kuchh changa ho gaya..
so... no panga!!

Give Me Back My Life!!

So difficult it is
To pour my heart out,
So difficult it is
To get over that nostalgic bout,
Of feelings so strange
I don’t even understand,
Of thoughts that pull me back
And won’t ever let me stand!

Pulling me back, is their
Enormous magnetic force,
I fight them, cry, shout,
Until my voice turns hoarse,
Still I’m pulling,
Trying to break free,
I am not my thoughts
I am just- ME!!

Letting yourself pulled,
Getting drowned in memories,
So easy to let them overtake you
Making the time freeze,
Like a little boy lost
Flying kite in the gentle breeze,
You tell me- “Its nothing, you’re happy!”
What! Oh! Pah-leez!

I know what I’m doing,
I’m positive, I’m right,
You don’t know me inside out,
You haven’t seen my plight.
Don’t tell me what to do,
Let me be, let me fight
My soul’s weeping, crying,
To move towards that ray of light!

All through this time, I’ve let you
Control me, my life,
Memories are all I have,
Memories- so rife,
My mind’s lost in a struggle,
A conflict of thoughts, strife,
Leave me alone, let me be,
Give me back my life!

Pure Ecstasy

i wrote this one 2 yrs back.. when i was in 10th.. night before my first board xam.. (which was sst by the way.. dunno wats the use of telling that.. but still. i thot id betr mention..)

my first poem that got published.. it holds a special place in my heart....


The trees are new and washed,
The flowers are all blushed,
The thunder is roaring,
Its sound is deafening,
But none can stop me
From enjoying-
Pure ecstasy!

The filtered raindrops,
From the netted windows,
Of my balcony,
Keep falling on me,
Reminding me of
Pure ecstasy!

The night has fallen,
The land is dark,
The only light- the moon
Is ’fraid of the abrupt crack.
He’s hiding, concealing,
From the sudden attack.
Deliberately missing,
The pleasure of
Pure ecstasy!

The outcome of this sudden attack,
Between nature and her inhabitants,
Mother nature is the winner,
The losers- the residents.
They are hermetic
In their respective dwellings,
Clearly missing,
But not regretting,
Pure ecstasy!

I am the only one.
Single and lone,
But not alone,
As I have with me-
Nature, pleasure,
Exhilaration, gratification,
And to top it all-
The feeling of
Pure ecstasy!

The Daughter They Never Wanted

I am alive, my soul is dead,
There’s a terrible pain in my heart,
Rational thoughts evict my mind,
I wonder- “Where did it all start?”

Was it the day he left me?
For reasons he could not tell,
No, I knew this was coming,
It was something I did foretell.

Was it when I failed
That I became so disheartened?
No, I know this isn’t true,
Those were testing times from which I learnt.

Was it that day-
When I first did drugs?
No, I think not!
And I continue with a shrug.

Was it when I left home?
And vowed never to return,
After all, I’m an adventurous soul,
And I know that was just for fun.

Or was it when
My kid brother was born?
No, it couldn’t have been,
Though I was left forlorn.

Was it when as a little girl
I stole that pencil from a classmate?
I got a good thrashing later, but
That was just an indication of my fate.

No, no, these are trivial instances,
I know where exactly it all started.
It was the day ‘I’ was born-
The daughter they never wanted!

Yet they kept me, raised me,
In an environment full of tension.
Oh! Why they couldn’t understand?
All I needed was love and affection!

Money, freedom and luxuries of life,
Were things I always had.
A warm hug, a pat on the back
I missed; and that made me sad.

All the money couldn’t buy me
A simple, caring friend,
A sweet, loving family.
But it’ll get me to my end.

My hand’s bleeding profusely,
I guess the cut’s just enough,
Parting from a daughter they never wanted,
For my parents, won’t be tough.

I’ve heard that from up there
Simply exquisite is the view!
Look out for me, I’d shout from there
That- “Mum! I love you!”

HANDICAP INVARIABLY PREVENTS PEOPLE FROM LEADING A HAPPY AND PRODUCTIVE LIFE!!!

I was given this topic and was asked to speak for the motion in an inter-school debate. My first reaction- “I’m sorry, I can’t!" The topic was enough to catch my attention towards the sheer neglect of handicapped people. Everywhere I look there are devils and angels, pantheons and freak-shows, all in the name of disability. Its hardly not a new trend. But this millennia-old attitude does a terrible disservice to disabled people everywhere to be cast as either devils or angels. It is dehumanizing, and removes us from our humanity and thus our basic human rights too.

I have come across a variety of individuals who have accepted challenges in life in the form of some handicap. (My father himself is visually handicapped, lost his eyes when he was just 2 yr. old.So i can say that i have had the opportunity to spend time in close proximity to handicapped people). But these people so successfully thwarted it that it now appears to be a life full of success and epitome for others. They never let their disability come in their way.

Disability?
Have I used this word?
But why?
I should not have!

Now there are positive terms available, matching with the positive attitude of such persons with handicaps. These individuals accept much bigger challenges in life because of the deficiency of a vital organ and so they should be termed as challenged!!

Handicap is basically a state of the mind. A so called able-bodied person may also not live a productive life. He may attribute his unhappiness to some other thing which he lacks in life. Don’t we all do that? Be it money, comfort or even the non-fulfillment of our wishes.
Just on the contrary, a person WITH a handicap may generally forget all about his deficiency , fight against all odds, struggle hard and lead a happy and productive life.
It depends more on our outlook towards life rather than the handicap.

If we look at it from a scientific angle, all our 5 senses enable us to lead a smooth life but in case a person is deprived of any particular sense, his sensory perception becomes so powerful and acute.
This simply happens because of his total dependence on his remaining 4 senses.
For example- if a person has a loss of vision, his aural and tactual perception increases, making it possible for him to forget all about his loss of vision.

In many areas we also notice that an individual who has accepted his handicap with an optimistic outlook and is content with his life is generally not accepted by a society which perceives handicap as a stigma or a blur.


At times, the society itself poses hindrances and obstacles by depriving an individual with a handicap of the opportunities which come in the way very naturally to a person without a handicap. Is this fair on their behalf? Did they commit a mistake by being a little less equipped than us, the so called able-bodied?
NO! Then they have every right to live a productive life! And those who think otherwise, I consider that they are the ones who are really handicapped.

LIFE

Life,
The way it got to be,
It can never be to me,
Oh life!
I can never be too sure,
If I really wanna see some more,
Of my life!

It pains me,
When I see you,
It pains me, yeah!
Even when I think of you,
It pains me even more
when you call me,
To apologize,
For what you never did!

Now,
Can you mend my broken heart?
Could it be a new start
Of my life?

I was wrong,
What happened was all my fault
So, don’t blame yourself,
And don’t claim my heart,
’Coz I lost it to you,
But since now we’re apart,
N no more each other’s better halves

But then,
I didn’t know what I was doing,
I didn’t know that it could ruin,
My life!

Wo-oh life!
The way it got to be,
It can never be to me,
My life!

No matter, if we’re apart,
Deep down in my heart,
You’ll always be with me,
’coz you’re my life!!

A ‘Unique’ Journey- From Cocksure to Simply Undaunted!

Excerpts from the autobiography of a troubled soul…




“There was a time when I used to be a very confident person, or, as some people ( read ‘parents and friends‘) would like to put it- rather overconfident. But I loved it! I loved every moment & cherish these moments till date . Though, because of my annoying ways I had few ( read ‘just 4’) friends and I kept irritating them to no end, they still stuck by my side and are among the very few people whom I truly worship.

But then I entered the 16th spring of my life, I entered my 11th class and *CRASH* came my confidence & shattered into a billion pieces in front my eyes as I stood & watched hopelessly. I never knew there were so many better scholars than me, I never knew our school had trained classical vocalists & musicians ( I was just a ‘bathroom singer’ for them, though personally I feel it’s a really useless term!) and I never knew that there were professional artistes, amazing writers and poets, national level swimmers &badminton players and above all - even more confident people around me!

I felt so small, so ashamed in front of them that I thought it better to leave my ‘uniqueness’ behind and merge with the crowd. So, with the flick of a wand ( Yep! I’m an HP fan!) I lost my identity completely.

One and a half year I spent as such when suddenly Alex came into my life. At that time I was as devoid of any self- confidence as Harry’s cauldron is devoid of any potion ( if it is even fit enough even to be called so!) after Snape’s brief spell of ‘Evanesco’. And out of the blue, he said he loved me!!
At first- I thought mine ears deceive me!
Second time- I thought it was a joke!
Third time- I laughed it off!
Fourth time- I thought it was a prank!
Fifth time- I thought it was a really bad lie! ( I mean who, in his right mind, can love an overweight, ugly, arrogant girl as me?!)
Sixth time- I felt pity for him. “This guy doesn’t know where he’s heading” I said.
Seventh time- ( He was a dear friend by now.) I tried to assure him its not love!
Eighth time- I got really frustrated and said yes!!

Now, started the real task. Actually I like Alex and believed what he said but the fact was that I didn’t have enough faith in myself. Then came the tough part- I knew I had to say no. I had to deny and reject his love for his own good! I felt he deserved a better person than me.
It was difficult ut in the end I managed it. Though, it left a little hole in my heart where he once lived. I thought it was just the pain of losing a dear friend that I was experiencing, didn’t understand that it was more than that!

With each passing day, I thought the pain would subside, rather, it grew, as did the hole in my heart. Then came the crashing blow- he said he was leaving the country for good(yes! I was still in touch with him). And that did it. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I knew, I understood- it had been love all the while, and I poured my heart out to him. I cried, I apologized, went on with my excuses for behaving like I did and all he did was listen patiently and all he said in the end was- “ I love you! No matter how you look or behave, I love you for who you ARE!”

With a BANG, I was back on track. Back to where I rightly belonged. My self-esteem came soaring back, and I got rid of all the faceless masks, nameless identities and false pretences that I had put up.
I welcomed myself back!’

I did not write this for some ‘personality development’, ‘gaining self-confidence’ or ‘self-esteem building’ seminar. I wrote it for myself. A third person’s love for me made me love myself all over again.

Neglecting you faults and shortcomings and running away from adversities is easy, very easy. But accepting them and moving on with as what you are makes you better with each passing day. My best friend once said to me- “Kate, there are two ways of attaining the same goal- one is easier, shorter; the other is- right!.” Choose what you want, but remember- the easy and shorter route might give you all the success in a short span, but it would never give you the satisfaction of being right, just and truthful. There will always be a huge guilt over your head burdening you more and more with each passing day.

A third person’s love in me made me love myself all over again. I chose what was right, though I had nearly lost the opportunity but I was lucky, and I managed. Merely copying others and doing what your peers do is not at all difficult. Difficult is standing out in a crowd. Speaking up for what you believe in and doing what your conscience tells you to. But once you achieve this seemingly impossible goal, you would be so content, so much at peace with yourself that no goal would be impossible anymore, no journey too difficult, no destination too far.
Good luck for your life ahead.
Lovingly yours
Forever
KATE

The Beginning And End Of.....

The day I met him, touched him;
Felt him inside my head all the time,
I knew as soon as I saw that angel,
That he were meant to be just mine!


Those brown, dancing eyes;
A fire glowed in them,
Their gaze so intense,
It just left me overwhelmed!


That dark, shiny hair;
An unkempt mess of curls,
Oh! How I wished to run my hand through them,
And let the mystery unfurl!


Those red, luscious lips;
A full bloomed rose they resembled,
I only dreamt to kiss them,
But when I tried I trembled!


That powerful yet sweet baritone;
When he spoke he seemed to sing,
And so mesmerizing it would be,
The rest of the world would reduce to nothing!

That cute, infecting smile;
That he would bestow on me so sheepishly,
I’d be lost in its magic,
Instantly reaching out to him so foolishly!

That robust, muscular body;
Any girl would want to embrace,
A hint of that strange musky smell…
NOW ALL SEEMS SO OUT OF PLACE!!


YES! He was in love with someone else,
And I just couldn’t see,
So blind I was in his love that,
The truth seemed too far from me!


So depressed, so hollow, so sad,
So blue, so dejected, so lost;
I had just let go of the person
I had loved the most!

The last thing I know,
I stood in front of the mirror,
A single tear rolled down my right cheek,

As I pulled the trigger!

To Sir.. with 'Love'..

Since time immemorial,
Real, unreal;
You have been inspiring,
Forgiving, forgetting;
Instilling, in us,
A new confidence!!

You believed in us
When no one else did;
Even if u didn’t,
At least you said you did.
Then why? Pray, why?
You didn’t give us a chance?

You were superficial,
Hearing, not listening,
You taught us, no doubt…
But that was no teaching.
Always, we felt, you acted,
You acted, as if in a trance!

But no matter how indifferent
You were; we were sure.
All we needed was a cause;
A cause, a reason, so pure;
And you provided us with the sense,
To break free and jump over the fence!

“Life is difficult”, you said.
“Full of trials”, you said.
We believed! This left an impact;
An impact that etched
Across our minds, and we knew…
We didn’t have to wait for a chance!

“It was time! “, we decided,
To break free from your shingles,
Because, we knew that if we didn’t,
We would never be able to mingle.
Your world was drastically different from ours!
That’s why what we said never made any sense!

But today, all is different.
We have proved our worth,
And here we stand before you,
Your eyes lack that look of no mirth.
A smile cracks upon your face,
As you break into a dance!!

Awakening

It was an ordinary day,
The sun rose,
Just as beautiful as it always does,
I sat down to describe its beauty,
Its warmth, its splendor,
I felt it was my duty.
I could hear the birds chirping,
I could hear their sweet twittering,
There were those huge oak branches swaying,
As if dancing,
And the leaves rustling,
To the soft melody,
Of the gentle breeze.
Yes! It was just another ordinary day,
And as always there were the chirping birds,
But as I sat down to write,
I felt,
As if I had no words!!

What had happened?
All of a sudden!!
How could I lose my ability?
When all my life I’ve been writing poetry.
What had happened?
I could not understand!
So confused, so muddled,
My mind just wouldn’t apprehend!
And there I was,
Lost in my sea of thoughts,
Yet couldn’t produce a single word on paper.

But one thing I knew for sure
My mind was right, my heart- pure.
What was amiss?
I knew not.
But, I knew I had to find the reason,
And fast. Else it’ll be too late.
I threw my pen and cursed my fate!
Yet! Ah my life with its sorrows abound,
Poetry was where solace I found!
Now that was gone too -Oh God!
I need your help, My Lord!

I set to a hard day’s work,
Crossing many dangers,
Asking every stranger.
It was a long, tiresome task,
But I noticed something really strange-
Each man wore a different mask,
Different from its own identity.
“Was it some kind of enmity-?”
I questioned myself,
“From their own soul and self? “
Which led them to live such a life?
They weren’t free- rather scared.
Asi f there were this huge knife,
somewhere close by, waiting to slice off their head,
While they waited and waited.
“Is this life all about?” I thought.
If yes, then I felt I was blessed.
I was free, I was careless
Of that I was sure.
And I started my journey back home.
Yet there was sorrow, and a piercing pain.
After all, what I had lost,
Was precious, not mundane.
The more I thought about it,
The more I seemed to regret.
What had happened was not my fault,
Yet I couldn’t forget.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself,
But this time I got no reply.

As I was returning,
Walking in the rain to hide my tears,
I saw this innocent face,
Which knew nothing but fears.
“Is this what life’s all about?”
I asked myself yet again
And this time I got my answer-
‘Life, in itself, is one great pain”
All of a sudden, my words returned to me!
But this time,
I won’t waste them on things mundane,
I have a purpose now,
I am aimless no more,
Just one different day changed my life,
Made me see huger and strife,
Pain and loss, and anguish of the soul,
But- no more!
But- no more!